[I'm not too sure right now]
I'm very confused...but more on that later.
First off, I went to the mall today and *bought* four games, and two were even for the computer!
-Enter the Matrix-No explaination needed
-Diablo II Expansion-The downloaded one didn't work online
-Jet Grind Radio-Pretty Colors+Cel Shading+Spraypainting stuff=Good
-Rogue Squadron 64-X Wing+Little men running on the ground=Fun >:}

Why am I so confused, you may be asking. I'll tell you after this. After we went to see the Matrix, Janelle and I went to Borders, the coolest book store evar. I bought a deck of Tarot Cards and I'm in the process of learning to Read them for myself. But That's not why I'm so confused.
You see, there are a few people who think that I "like" Darcie. I'm pretty sure that I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself or anyone else down again for a while, but the people who have asked me aren't the most intuitive folks that I know, so there must be some reason that they think what they do. I don't know if there is a blatant "sign" or something, but I really don't know why three people who barely know wach other have come toward me saying this.
It's funny...less than three weeks ago, I was so desperate for a close girl friend that I was feeling dejected after being dropped so many times before. Now, when people are saying that they think I "like" someone, I don't give it any real thought at all.
It's not that I don't like Darcie. She's one of the most wonderful people I know: Smart, funny, incredibly deep eyes, and she's nice to everyone, not to mention fun to just talk to. Is it that I think I'm not good enough for anyone? Could be. Or maybe I'm just so lost in my own mind that I don't know what it is that I know and what I don't know.
The Tarot give you guidance, much like the Oracle in the Matrix. This morning I gave myself a general guidance reading, and it said that I would have to make a very important decision reguarding a close friend of mine. The decision, the cards said would change my entire mentality from mysterious or cold to open, free, or lost. Could this friend be Darcie? Is this choice to be one way or another, or could it be for me to decide whether I really do have feelings for her?
One of the reasons that I haven't had a real girlfriend for, well, ever, is that I'm afraid of alienating my friends from myself. I feel that if I tell a girl that I have feelings for her, which she cannot return that I will lose her as a friend because I can't be near her by choice.
I guess it ends up, again, with me feeling inadequate or just having a Victim Mentality, which the Tarot described to me in another form of a reading I practiced with today. I was told that I am someone that people look to as a regulating force, that I am generally not prone to spontenuity, but I was also told that I am also prone to said Victim Mentality, which I am. I feel that I am not quite enough for my friends, or, well, anyone so I pretend to be someone that I am not to make them seem like they need me to just do what I do so that they can be themselves.
I modify my personality to what fits the mood of others to balance them, and I have become good at this with practice.
I may lose her as my friend for saying this, but it is possible that I do "like" Darcie. When I talk to her, I don't try to be "The Regulator" like with the rest of my friends. I just say what is on my mind, and what I feel, and it seem to fit.
I have a feeling inside me that this could be the last post I do feeling like I do, and it very well might be. If Darcie reads this, I will either become closer to her, and she to I, or I may lose her forever.
Either way, if she sees this post, I will never be the same, and neither will this blog.
This may have been a struggle for you to finish reading, but I thank you for taking the time to do so.

--Raine