[A Big Ball of Suck]
That's about what my life is at this point. I got dumped (again) this afternoon, and I'm not feeling too good.
I've been thinking a lot though. About girls, about my life, and about me. I've come to realize that pretty much everything I've ever sone just ends up hurting me in the end. Letting my feelings open up to anyone has nearly killed me more than once, but I still let it happen, over and over again. They say it's a sign of stupidity, doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results with each new try. I may have to agree with them, because I have to be really stupid to let myself get hurt over and over doing the same things over and over.
At most, three people read this blog, including myself, and Ben, who just reads it to make fun of me, so I'm pretty sure I know just about everyone who has read it before. You all know that I'm not perfect, but I'd consider myself a nice person, though I must not be good enough for anyone out there. Sure, they all say things, like "I really like you, but now's not the time for me, " or the ever-popular "I think we should just be friends from now on." What these really mean is that the girl has gotten sick of me and they want to get rid of me as quickly and as easily as possible for them to. I know from experience--five girls in less than two years.
But this time is different. Yes, I've been through being dumped plenty of times, but this time hurts me more than any of the others. I don't know if it's the fact that I made a new record of a three day relationship that makes it hurt so much, or the fact that she creid for an hour when she realized she didn't like me anymore.
I have a major guilt complex and I feel responsible for a lot of things. Tonight, though, I realized that even though I've done some really stupid stuff over the years, I actually made a girl cry today. A girl I care for, no less. It makes me feel just a little more like a reject just knowing this, and I don't know if I can handle knowing that I made a girl cry just by being me.
I've been told that this isn't my fault, that I'm a good person, every piece of crap that anyone can pull out of their ass to try and make me feel better. I can't help but think, though, that it's a little weird for so many girls that I know and like to be at fault for broken relationships. I mean: five girls dumped me after going out for less than a month! Am I that annoying? Probably. I tell everyone that I know what I think, when I think it--and no matter how stupid I feel afterwards, I've never taken anything I say back. You'll notice that I leave each and every post up on this blog, untouched, other than to correct grammatical or typographical errors.
Sometimes, I think some really stupid stuff, and this evening was no exception. A lot of things went through my mind tonight, thoughts about hurting myself, thoughts of just giving up altogether on life, and thoughts of flat-out going crazy. But then I realized that I was being selfish. This was as hard on Laura as it was on me--if not worse--and it would only make it worse for her if I did something stupid because of it.
I still like her and there's nothing that could ever change that, and I will never do anything that would hurt her. I've seen it before, but never really understood the feeling that people get when they are in love. I wonder if this is it?
I still care very much for her and I am willing to wait until the end of the world for her if that's how long it will take.