[Suck]
Attack of the psychobitch from hell, part III.
Tonight I got an IM before I was about to head up north for a couple hours.
Joey's girlfriend still thinks that her being a bitch to me is MY fault somehow. I'm done with putting up with her shit. DONE.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
[Politik(s)]
So it would seem that being someone's friend, almost his brother, for thirteen years isn't quite enough to continue a friendship on.
Seems that since I'm not subservient to his girlfriend, apparently I don't like her. I don't give a shit whether they're together, it's not my life, I'm not going to break them up or anything like that.
For about 2 hours last night she bitched at me because I obviously don't care about Joey. Then this morning she bitched at me more because I make her feel inadequate.
Yet another reason I hate people.
So it would seem that being someone's friend, almost his brother, for thirteen years isn't quite enough to continue a friendship on.
Seems that since I'm not subservient to his girlfriend, apparently I don't like her. I don't give a shit whether they're together, it's not my life, I'm not going to break them up or anything like that.
For about 2 hours last night she bitched at me because I obviously don't care about Joey. Then this morning she bitched at me more because I make her feel inadequate.
Yet another reason I hate people.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
[Don't Give Up]
The old phrase I've used many a time. But do I really practice what I preach?
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and who I am; who I want to be. I can't see myself becoming anything that can contribute to society. I'm not a slacker per se, but I just can't see myself doing anything that would benefit myself as well as the rest of the world. Nothing I can do could ever be considered a useful skill in the real world.
That's a funny thing to say, though. It makes me think about, what can I do? I don't have any real skills. I'm not good at anything at all.
Sigh.
Seriously, what is my problem? I can't stand myself. I guess that's it. No matter how much I try, I can't help but embody the traits I hate most in people.
Intolerance: I hate it when people try to push their views onto me, especially about religion.
Self Doubt: I can't do anything for fear of failing.
Laziness: I don't like to do work at all, and I usually procrastinate from doing it as long as I can, and when I actually do it, the work is just barely what is required.
So why do I do this? Why can't I make myself into the person I want to be? Why can't I even accept myself for what I am, instead of constantly wanting to make myself better because I'm not good enough? I don't even know myself well enough to answer these questions.
Nearly every night my FIRST acquaintances and I gather in an AIM chatroom and we chat until 11 or later, sometimes until 1 in the morning. Corey is one of the kids that frequents the chats and tonight I was chatting with him about the topic of girls and this passage came up:
Corey: so if every other guy in the chats likes another girl in the chat...jake-your the last guy left
JakeTeam134: yeah i know
Corey: lol
JakeTeam134: girls dont like me, so i really just leave girls alone
Corey: dude wtf-your turning into me
JakeTeam134: turning into? ive been like this since way before i knew you
Corey: lol
Corey: well i compared you to me
JakeTeam134: yeah but the thing is, girls do like you
JakeTeam134: michi for example
Corey: girls dont like me like me
Corey: they just think im coolish
JakeTeam134: haha i can barely get people in general to like me, let alone get girls to "like" me
JakeTeam134: yeah im pathetic
Corey: dude-of the kids in the chat-your the coolest one there
JakeTeam134: hahah
Corey: its true
I wouldn't even have included this except for the last couple lines that corey sent me. I just can't see how he can see me like that. I don't consider myself special in any way, and yet he thinks I'm "the coolest one" of the 25 or so people that are in the chats. *Rubs eyes with thumb and forefinger* I don't see how someone could ever see me for anything more than what I am...nothing.
The bottom line is, I'll never change anyone's life. I'll never change the world. I'll never make a name for myself. I'm never going to amount to anything.
I don't want pity, I don't want help. I want to be able to respect myself. I want to feel better. I want to be happy, to be me.
The old phrase I've used many a time. But do I really practice what I preach?
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and who I am; who I want to be. I can't see myself becoming anything that can contribute to society. I'm not a slacker per se, but I just can't see myself doing anything that would benefit myself as well as the rest of the world. Nothing I can do could ever be considered a useful skill in the real world.
That's a funny thing to say, though. It makes me think about, what can I do? I don't have any real skills. I'm not good at anything at all.
Sigh.
Seriously, what is my problem? I can't stand myself. I guess that's it. No matter how much I try, I can't help but embody the traits I hate most in people.
Intolerance: I hate it when people try to push their views onto me, especially about religion.
Self Doubt: I can't do anything for fear of failing.
Laziness: I don't like to do work at all, and I usually procrastinate from doing it as long as I can, and when I actually do it, the work is just barely what is required.
So why do I do this? Why can't I make myself into the person I want to be? Why can't I even accept myself for what I am, instead of constantly wanting to make myself better because I'm not good enough? I don't even know myself well enough to answer these questions.
Nearly every night my FIRST acquaintances and I gather in an AIM chatroom and we chat until 11 or later, sometimes until 1 in the morning. Corey is one of the kids that frequents the chats and tonight I was chatting with him about the topic of girls and this passage came up:
Corey: so if every other guy in the chats likes another girl in the chat...jake-your the last guy left
JakeTeam134: yeah i know
Corey: lol
JakeTeam134: girls dont like me, so i really just leave girls alone
Corey: dude wtf-your turning into me
JakeTeam134: turning into? ive been like this since way before i knew you
Corey: lol
Corey: well i compared you to me
JakeTeam134: yeah but the thing is, girls do like you
JakeTeam134: michi for example
Corey: girls dont like me like me
Corey: they just think im coolish
JakeTeam134: haha i can barely get people in general to like me, let alone get girls to "like" me
JakeTeam134: yeah im pathetic
Corey: dude-of the kids in the chat-your the coolest one there
JakeTeam134: hahah
Corey: its true
I wouldn't even have included this except for the last couple lines that corey sent me. I just can't see how he can see me like that. I don't consider myself special in any way, and yet he thinks I'm "the coolest one" of the 25 or so people that are in the chats. *Rubs eyes with thumb and forefinger* I don't see how someone could ever see me for anything more than what I am...nothing.
The bottom line is, I'll never change anyone's life. I'll never change the world. I'll never make a name for myself. I'm never going to amount to anything.
I don't want pity, I don't want help. I want to be able to respect myself. I want to feel better. I want to be happy, to be me.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
[Can You Hear Me?]
So...since I last posted, a lot has happened...well not a lot, but quite a few things.
First off, I had a major attack of the flu and was out of school for a day we well as almost bedridden for a weekend. Damn I hate being sick. I'm almost never sick, but when I am, I am really sick.
Winter carnival was last week, and that means I worked on the robot all day through school. That was good. We are almost ready to start practicing with it. We have all the main mechanisms on the base, and the base runs. All we have to do now is wire it up and Ryan wants to write up some more code. Right now we're at 110 lbs...that means we'll probably have to cut off some weight just to be on the safe side later on, Kelly wants to be a little light just in case the scale we have isn't calibrated quite right.
More FIRST news later.
I got an 86 on my calculus portfolio. I'm happy that I got at least a decent grade on it...that come up to being a B-, but hey...better than a C, right?
I haven't been playing so much WoW lately...not sure why, I just haven't. Steph's computer is fixed though, so she's been playing more and she got her character to level 20 I think she said. Soon she'll meet me in level (my main in is lvl 31 or 32 I think).
So the FIRST news...FIRST the good news. We have a really good Chairman's Award going on and I think we have a really good shot at winning it this year. We also have a really good Woodie Flowers Award going too, we're doing it on the team advisor, Mr. Kelly.
More good news, I met another FIRSTer girl, Carli Roberts (the one on the far right...not a great picture, but most pictures taken aren't these days) ...she's from a team pretty close to my friend's down in Jersey (more on him later). She's different, but cool nonetheless.
Bad news now... I might not be going to Nats after all. I was supposed to room with Corey Balint...a kid I know from Team 25 in NJ...but his advisor said it wasn't going to happen. We were pretty sure that he would change his mind eventually, but I decided not to push it since it turns out that last year at a competition, Cokeley had a stroke and went into the hospital. The worst thing I can do to him is to have Corey pissing him off, or making him have another stroke just for me...I'm not worth the trouble, you know?
Eh. That kinda ruined my evening, you know? Whatever.
So...since I last posted, a lot has happened...well not a lot, but quite a few things.
First off, I had a major attack of the flu and was out of school for a day we well as almost bedridden for a weekend. Damn I hate being sick. I'm almost never sick, but when I am, I am really sick.
Winter carnival was last week, and that means I worked on the robot all day through school. That was good. We are almost ready to start practicing with it. We have all the main mechanisms on the base, and the base runs. All we have to do now is wire it up and Ryan wants to write up some more code. Right now we're at 110 lbs...that means we'll probably have to cut off some weight just to be on the safe side later on, Kelly wants to be a little light just in case the scale we have isn't calibrated quite right.
More FIRST news later.
I got an 86 on my calculus portfolio. I'm happy that I got at least a decent grade on it...that come up to being a B-, but hey...better than a C, right?
I haven't been playing so much WoW lately...not sure why, I just haven't. Steph's computer is fixed though, so she's been playing more and she got her character to level 20 I think she said. Soon she'll meet me in level (my main in is lvl 31 or 32 I think).
So the FIRST news...FIRST the good news. We have a really good Chairman's Award going on and I think we have a really good shot at winning it this year. We also have a really good Woodie Flowers Award going too, we're doing it on the team advisor, Mr. Kelly.
More good news, I met another FIRSTer girl, Carli Roberts (the one on the far right...not a great picture, but most pictures taken aren't these days) ...she's from a team pretty close to my friend's down in Jersey (more on him later). She's different, but cool nonetheless.
Bad news now... I might not be going to Nats after all. I was supposed to room with Corey Balint...a kid I know from Team 25 in NJ...but his advisor said it wasn't going to happen. We were pretty sure that he would change his mind eventually, but I decided not to push it since it turns out that last year at a competition, Cokeley had a stroke and went into the hospital. The worst thing I can do to him is to have Corey pissing him off, or making him have another stroke just for me...I'm not worth the trouble, you know?
Eh. That kinda ruined my evening, you know? Whatever.
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