[Don't Give Up]
The old phrase I've used many a time. But do I really practice what I preach?
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and who I am; who I want to be. I can't see myself becoming anything that can contribute to society. I'm not a slacker per se, but I just can't see myself doing anything that would benefit myself as well as the rest of the world. Nothing I can do could ever be considered a useful skill in the real world.
That's a funny thing to say, though. It makes me think about, what can I do? I don't have any real skills. I'm not good at anything at all.
Sigh.
Seriously, what is my problem? I can't stand myself. I guess that's it. No matter how much I try, I can't help but embody the traits I hate most in people.

Intolerance: I hate it when people try to push their views onto me, especially about religion.
Self Doubt: I can't do anything for fear of failing.
Laziness: I don't like to do work at all, and I usually procrastinate from doing it as long as I can, and when I actually do it, the work is just barely what is required.

So why do I do this? Why can't I make myself into the person I want to be? Why can't I even accept myself for what I am, instead of constantly wanting to make myself better because I'm not good enough? I don't even know myself well enough to answer these questions.
Nearly every night my FIRST acquaintances and I gather in an AIM chatroom and we chat until 11 or later, sometimes until 1 in the morning. Corey is one of the kids that frequents the chats and tonight I was chatting with him about the topic of girls and this passage came up:

Corey: so if every other guy in the chats likes another girl in the chat...jake-your the last guy left
JakeTeam134: yeah i know
Corey: lol
JakeTeam134: girls dont like me, so i really just leave girls alone
Corey: dude wtf-your turning into me
JakeTeam134: turning into? ive been like this since way before i knew you
Corey: lol
Corey: well i compared you to me
JakeTeam134: yeah but the thing is, girls do like you
JakeTeam134: michi for example
Corey: girls dont like me like me
Corey: they just think im coolish
JakeTeam134: haha i can barely get people in general to like me, let alone get girls to "like" me
JakeTeam134: yeah im pathetic
Corey: dude-of the kids in the chat-your the coolest one there
JakeTeam134: hahah
Corey: its true

I wouldn't even have included this except for the last couple lines that corey sent me. I just can't see how he can see me like that. I don't consider myself special in any way, and yet he thinks I'm "the coolest one" of the 25 or so people that are in the chats. *Rubs eyes with thumb and forefinger* I don't see how someone could ever see me for anything more than what I am...nothing.
The bottom line is, I'll never change anyone's life. I'll never change the world. I'll never make a name for myself. I'm never going to amount to anything.
I don't want pity, I don't want help. I want to be able to respect myself. I want to feel better. I want to be happy, to be me.