[Coffee and TV]

The past few weeks have been very different for me. Usually, I stay at home or work and that's about it, but in the past month, I have traveled to Providence, to Philadelphia, and to New Jersey, all on my own as well, which is even more different for me as well.

Three weeks ago, I drove down to Providence to visit Steph at school. She's studying cooking at Johnson & Wales University, and she likes it much better than she liked UNH (which wouldn't be too bad because I'm pretty sure she hated it there). I went down and we stayed up talking to her roommates until about 2 in the morning, went to the mall, saw a movie and Waterfire, then walked around in Providence for a while. It was a great time, the weather was great on Sunday (figures, when I leave the weather always gets nice), but it was cold and raining on Saturday when we were actually planning on doing stuff.

This was a big step for me I guess, because it was the first time that I had ever gone so far away from home alone. Sure, I'd driven to Ohio, gone to Portland for MEPS, and all that. Ohio was with the rest of the family, though, and MEPS was only for about 20 hours, and it was really only for work.

Another part of it was the fact that it was the first time I had ever stayed anywhere with just girls. Sure, it may not sound like a lot, but anyone that really knows me knows that I'm pretty shy, and until recently I was incredibly uncomfortable around girls, so for the most part I could only go to the movies or something, unless I was with more than just one person. Strange, yes, but it's me.

So after I came home from Providence, I found out that my mom decided to get a dog. He's a black lab named tux, and even though he's supposed to be more than five years old, he's just like a little puppy.

A week after I'd gone to Steph's, I went down to Philly to watch Ramp Riot. I stayed with Alicia and Karen at Alicia's house. It was kind of funny to see us when I got off the train, because even though we'd known each other for more than a year, for the girls and I it was like I was meeting them for the first time. Slightly awkward, and not really great for my shyness at all.

We went back to Alicia's house and dropped off my stuff, then we went to the mall for a while. We went to the Halloween costume store, bought some stuff for jokes, and walked around through the mall for a while longer. We ate, then went back to Alicia's house for the night and watched some movies.

For a while I'd assumed that I was completely wrong about Karen because she didn't really talk to me all night, unless I talked to her specifically, and when we watched the movies she opted to sit alone on one couch, while Alicia sat next to and on me on the other. Looking back, I think she could have been just as nervous or shy about being around me as I was about being around her. Really funny since we knew each other so well, but I guess that's just how it is.

The next day was Ramp Riot, so we all piled into the Lin's minivan and drove about 40 minutes to get to the school it was being held at. It was fun to see all the FIRST kids that I hadn't for a while,and I met a few that I hadn't before. Corey and Bharat were there with Team 25, and Jeff Rodriguez was there with RAGE, as well as a bunch of others I knew. I met Emily and Mike from 303 for the first time, as well as Tony from 56, Conor Ryan from 1403, and Carli Roberts from 1089. The internet is a strange tool, you can meet so many people from all over the place and still be surprised at what they look like.

Team 25's alliance took the competition, which in my opinion was fun for the people there, but not as much the competing that occurred. Karen was on the drive team, and so was Alicia, so for most of the day I kind of wandered around upstairs and outside because I didn't really want to sit alone in the stands. After the elimination matches though, Karen and Alicia were around more than they were before so they joined me and the rest of the other non-driving kids near Team 25's pit and we talked, played with paint markers and Sharpies, and danced, took pictures, pretty much just messed around and had a good time.

Near the end of the day, a guy that liked Karen pulled her off to the side of everyone else, about five feet away and asked her out, but she declined. Though I thought it was kinda funny because he had been stalking around us all day, Karen felt really bad I guess because he's kind of the hopeless romantic type and she's a really nice girl most of the time, and even when she's trying to be evil she's still not mean. She seemed kind of despondent for a while, but after a little bit she was back to her normal cheery self. I did think at first what happened was funny, but when I saw how she looked, I couldn't help but feel kind of sad myself. I don't want any of my friends to feel sad, but something hit me even harder when I saw Karen sad.

When we got back to Alicia's house that night we watched some more movies, but tonight I sat down on the couch Alicia and I were on the night before, Karen joined me and we just laid there for a while. Those few hours were even better than the rest of the day combined.

The next day, we went downstairs to eat then went back up to Alicia's room to talk (why, I don't know; I think we planned on watching a movie at first but couldn't get the dvd player working). Karen's inflated mattress was still out from the night before, so I laid down on it because I could, and she laid down the other way with her head resting on my stomach. Alicia kind of just went around all over the place because that's what she does, but Karen didn't really move at all.

Eventually, we got bored of just talking and went downstairs to watch Invader Zim, and Karen and I ended up on the same couch as the night before. We messed around for a few minutes, pushing back and forth for more space on the couch, but in the end I piled some pillows and blankets in the middle, we laid down with both of our heads on the pillows. Obviously, I didn't mind being a little uncomfortable because my shoulder was kind of jammed in a weird position, but I don't think Karen minded either because she never told me to move, and never even moved herself.

All good things do have to come to an end though, and after a little bit we drove out to the train station to drop me off so that I could catch my train home. I had planned on getting at least one picture together on the train platform since I'd forgotten my camera at Alicia's on Saturday so I didn't take any pictures at all at Ramp Riot, and I only had one picture that I took at Alicia's on Friday night. As luck would have it, though, there wasn't a single parking spot in the entire train station parking lot, so they only had time to drop me off at the dropoff circle and then head out.

Not only did I have to leave, but there wasn't even any time for a hug or anything either. On the train ride home, I had mixed feelings. I was really happy to have had a chance to spend that much time with Karen, but I was really sad that it had to end so quickly. By the time I'd made it to Boston, I called Karen up again, and we decided that we were going to go to Brunswick Eruption, an after season competition that Corey's team put on this weekend. For two weeks, we'd been trying to get her parents to let her go. Originally, I'd hoped that Karen could go to Corey's house the night before, go to the competition, then go back home afterwards, but almost immediately, that was deemed pretty much impossible, just given the way her parents are. Eventually, she convinced them to let her go though, and her mom dropped her off at Corey's school at about noon, then left to go do her own thing for a while. During this time I'd hoped to have some time to spend with Karen, but that didn't really happen. Not for any bad reason, I suppose, but it was just unfortunate for me I guess.

The reason was that I was recruited to be the human player for Team 38, Harry from 121 and Ashley from 38's team. They brought the 38 robot down alone because 38 was registered and all of the students that were going to come down dropped out at the last moment. They asked me to help them out, and I figured that we wouldn't make it through the elimination matches, or at least do pretty badly, just because Harry hadn't driven that robot very much (if at all), and I'd never been a human player before in my entire life.

Well, I was wrong. We lost one match, and that was because our robot didn't move for the entire round. We ended up seeding 3^rd out of 32 teams, which was incredible. We ran into some bad luck, though, when Ashley and Lisa (another person recruited to be on “Team 38” for the day) were working on the arm. The lifting system in the arm to make it move vertically was powered by a worm-gear and a van door motor. When they took off the motor to fix something in the arm, the worm-gear bar slipped down, and when someone raised the arm, the bar bent, at a 100 degree angle. I went to see what I could do about it, with help from Conor and a guy from team 25, whose name I can't remember for the life of me, even though he was incredibly helpful. We used a vice in 25's shop, and tried to get the bar straightened, but after about an hour of working on it we ended up never getting it, even after heating it up with a torch. Since we'd seeded 3^rd, we played through the qualification matches, and made it through the first round to the semifinals before we were knocked out. We were allied with teams 222 and 145, both of which did a great job of helping us out.

But as I was on the team, and Karen showed up just before our quarterfinal matches started, and we had to fix the worm-gear bar, I didn't get to spend more than a few minutes at a time with her. I shouldn't complain I guess because it was almost a miracle that she got to come at all. My bad luck kicked again, because it was just after our last round when her mom came back to pick her up. So I told her that I wanted to get a picture of us together, and I leaned up against the wall in our pit, put my arm around her, and expected to get a shot like I did with Steph in Providence, just a couple friends or whatever. Instead, Karen leaned her head on my shoulder and looked even cuter than usual in the picture, too bad it looked like I had no hair. We hugged for a minute then I realized that she'd probably get in trouble if I didn't let her get going, so I did and I went to watch the rest of the matches for the day, feeling a bit emo that I didn't get to spend any more time with her than I did.

I got a picture of the “team” afterwards, with Conor, Ashley, Harry, Lisa, and I, because I liked being in that group even more than I did my real team. Isn't that horrible? All in all it was a fun day.

We helped clean up the field and pits, then when that was done, we went to Panera for something to eat and drove back to Corey's house with almost 20 people just to hang out. We went to 7eleven and bought Bawls, then went back to Corey's again and chilled out there for a while until we all either went to sleep, or did otherwise, as we assumed that Scott and Em or Corey and Lisa or Harry and Ashley were doing, because they all disappeared into another room and we didn't see any of them until this morning.

This morning was pretty uneventful, we sat and talked and threw stuff around in Corey's living room until it was about time to leave, then we all got our stuff together, took showers, or whatever, and headed out. Corey, Bharat, Lisa, and I all went up to the Metropark Amtrak station to wait for my train, and it was running late, so they waited with me. Finally, they had to go because Lisa was just coming up from Florida and had to go back to Corey's to get her stuff ready for her flight back down to school at 3:30. After waiting about an hour extra for my train, it finally came, and I got on, turned on my iPod, and fell asleep for a while. After a bit, I got a seat alone, took the power outlet, and started writing this. Here it is now at about 6, and I have 10 minutes left until I get to the Backbay station in Boston, where I transfer up to North Station so that I can get my train to Exeter and drive home. A long, but fun weekend behind me.

[Ain't no party like a Shaw House party...]
Went down to Connecticut this weekend for Scott Shaw's FIRSTer party. It was a good time. Hung out with the Brothers Shaw, Tom, Corey, Mike, and a few other kids I know from down there.
So I drove down to Mike's house and got there at about 8 Friday night, and we went to the mall and then pool with the kids form Team 237. Since Mike's curfew was 11:30, we went back to his house and watched the first half of Fight Club, and fell asleep. Karen called me at about 12:45 because the kids at Scott's pranked her. She was pretty pissed off, and when I went into the other room so I didn't wake Mike up, I lost my signal and couldn't get it again, so she thought I hung up on her...oy.
Saturday we went seran wrapped Elgin's car, Corey, and some other stuff. We bought porn and read the articles in the magazine because the girls were pretty nasty, and we stuffed it in Corey's hands, then played Lazer Tag, that was good. We got lunch then went to Scott's house and played video games for a while and then watched some movies, chatted on the computer, just hung out mainly. We were up until about 4 watching whatever we could on tv, and we woke up and watched Ghostbusters II and ate pancakes.
After Ghostbusters ended, I decided I should start heading home because it was a 3-4 hour drive at least to get back from Hartford to here. On the way out, I stopped at the Waterbury mall and picked up a car charger for my phone, and called up Karen to make sure she wasn't too mad at me, we ended up talking until I was just about back to New Hampshire.
I don't know what it is, but for the most part I can't hold a phone conversation for more than a few minutes at a time...but when I'm talking to her, it's so much easier for me to talk to her, openly, about about anything. :-D
That's about all for tonight.

[Brown Eyed Girl]
So there's this girl. She's smart, funny, and super cute. I love talking to her, just hearing her makes me smile.
It's pretty obvious to anyone how I feel about her. A couple of our mutual friends think she feels the same about me, too.
She's pretty shy, but it doesn't show when she and I talk. We talk about just about everything, like tonight I called her up and we just talked for a half hour about nothing in particular (Then I got in trouble because I was supposed to go back to work lol).
It sounds kinda creepy, but I think about her a lot, too. Like just about every other thought...
Haha...must be obsessed.

[Feel Good, Inc.]
Three months since my last post. Three months.
Why? Nothing has happened really. I graduated from High School, I suppose that's worth mentioning. I got a new job at Staples selling office machines.
Aside from that, nothing incredible has happened.

So why am I posting all of a sudden? I have to note something, whether for myself or some other reason, I don't know. I just have to write it out.

Just over a year ago I met an incredible person. She was going through a hard time then, so I did the little I could to help her through it. Looking back, I really didn't do anything for her at all, but for some reason at the time she seemed really appreciative.
That summer she started going out with her best friend and was very happy, I didn't see or hear much from her, but I knew she was happy, and I didn't mind.
That fall, she and the guy broke up, once again, I did what I could to help her through the time (once again, I didn't do anything really; heh).
We started talking more often and we played more games online, I tried to fix her computer when the parts she ordered weren't working right together, and I visited her at school.
Throughout the spring we played more games online, mostly World of Warcraft (yeah, we're nerds like that), kept in touch, and this summer I was going to play paintball with her and her friends, but she messed up her ankle so I just played with her friends.
I've been through a few tough times myself, and I try not to bother everyone else with them, mainly leaving my venting to my writing, here or otherwise. When I needed to talk to someone about something though, she was there for me. She's an incredibly strong person, and no matter what happens to her, she always bounces back.
What's the point of this rant? Well, by the end of this week, she's leaving for college again, and I'll still be here, until January, when I ship out for the Navy. I'll be gone for six years, and this could be the last time I see her, at least for a long time.
I'm terrible with words, if you haven't noticed. There's no way that I can think of to put into words what I really want to say, but I'll try my best...
We've only known each other for a short time, but there's something between us that I think is unique. No, it's no kind of attraction, but something else. In less than two years time, I feel more comfortable with her than with anyone else I know. I feel like if I needed to, I could tell her everything I'm thinking of, and not have any worry about what she's thinking.
I can't trust people easily, it's not in my nature, but I would trust her with my life and more; and have no worry about anything wrong happening.
If she reads this, she'll definately know she's the one I'm writing about, I just wanted to say that I wouldn't trade anything for the time we've had together, and I hold our friendship higher than anything else I've ever had or will have. I cherish the time we've spent together, and I know that anyone else who gets to have the same chance I did to be your friend is a lucky person.

[Be Yourself]
Went to Boston yesterday for Beantown Blitz. My directions to NEU said to take Storrow Drive, but as it turns out, Storrow Drive was closed down for the day, so I got pushed of to Gov't Center, and from there, I drove for about 3 hours in Boston before I got to the college. Some Asian guy in a tin foil hat asked me for a ride to Copley Square, and I was almost mugged by a parking lot attendant. When I finally got there, I went to the parking lot and the attendant screamed at me in Pakistani or something for a few minutes, then I gave him a $20 bill and he seemed happy, so then I went into the arena and watched the elimination matches and took pictures. After the comp I yelled at Corey for not even saying hi to me and then we talked with Lisa and Jeff Rodriguez and Elgin and Dez for a bit before leaving and going to eat at a rest stop. Corey got the last piece of regular chicken and I the last of the Spicy at Boston Market, so Dez started crying or something because he only got stuffing and macaroni and cheese.
We all took a picture before we left, and then I drove to a tollbooth and turned around in the middle of I90, which was lots of fun. Went back into Boston and picked an exit, lucked out and ended back on I93N, then got home about 11 or so.
Today I woke up at like 11 and went to Walmart with my mom and played with Light Sabers. When I got back, I worked on something she got at work for a few hours, and then when I was finished, I went to see Star Wars with Ryan. That was a good movie. So I got back at about 10, and here I am now...trying to download some music and failing...sigh.

[One Week]
I'm studying Existentialism in English class (Yes, after the AP Exam has been taken...), and tonight I thought up the question "An asteroid is headed straight toward earth and you can't do anything about it...with one week to live, to do anything you want...what do you do?" and asked a bunch of people. Seems like the first answer they give is the one that most identifies with their personality. Lisa Perez said she'd go crazy, Genia said she'd get laid, Dez said he'd raid Dean Kamen's house.
It seems that if someone was given the chance to do whatever they wanted, they would do the most instinctual thing they could think of which they can't do right now. I guess impending doom could be good for some people...Imagine all the people out there who would become brave all of a sudden, all the people who would actually try to make their lives mean something. I guess it would balance out though with all the people that would go out and do things like murder people just because they can...
It looks to me like people aren't really all that good or bad comparatively to anyone else, in reality everyone has the same wants, the same desires, the same needs...whether they manifest them or not is all up to whether the person is willing to pay the consequences. I guess with a week left, the best and the worst in everyone would come out, makes sense though.

[With Teeth]
No idea why I used that as the title for today's post, but I did.
*Breathes in*
So things are looking up for me lately. I'm in the best program the US government offers its citizens for service (Navy Nuke), PA Lacrosse won a game 5-4 in double overtime, my friends are all going to Beantown Blitz in a couple weeks, I have almost certainly gotten a decent job at Sears doing almost nothing and getting paid for it (those are the kinds of jobs that I like), I found some acne stuff thats supposed to clear up anything in three days or less (I used it and it made my face tingle, so I think it's doing something...), the new Nine Inch Nails CD came out, I took 2 AP tests this week (Calculus and English, neither was too difficult), and best of all, I have an awesome prom date.
*Breathes in*
I got a new Xbox game, but it's not working right now, I have to see about fixing that...
What else to say...I'm eating ramen. mmmramen.
We all started playing Starcraft again this week. It's such a kickass game, even though I'm not very good at it. I'm not really good at anything in particular, but I still try so I guess that counts for something, eh?
Steph's coming home from college soon, I think she said her last classes were sometime this past week, and that she has some Final Exams that she has to go back up for, but she'll be home and happy from now until at least early fall.
Steve's birthday is friday, and I'm going down to chill with him for that. It's s suprise party, so don't tell him! lol. I went down there a couple weeks ago to hang out and we went to see Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy. I met his new girlfriend. She's nice enough, but not the most attractive girl I've ever met. Whatever, they're happy, that's all that matters, eh?
The new NIN cd, With Teeth is awesome. I've listened to it all the way though like six times because it's so awesome. I like all the songs, but With Teeth is my least favorite. I really don't think it's as good as the rest of the songs, but it has a really cool part starting at about 3:40 that kicks ass. I like the new style that Trent adopted, he's not as pissed off at the world in general as just being fucked over a couple times in the past, so the music is more...I don't know... Imagine this. You don't get a haircut for a long time because everyone knows you by that look, right? So after a while you just get pissed off and get your hair cut, then everyone's like OMG ITS SO DIFFERENT!!!!11oneoneone but it still looks good, it's just not the same as before. That's what With Teeth is like. Different, but not so much that you can't tell that it's the same person and all.
:-\ Jordan's sick today, she was supposed to come over but she started vomiting or something, so they're just going to stay home instead. She's my prom date. I gotta find out what color her dress is and all that awsome stuff so I can get a corsage and stuff for her... I rented my tux the other night. Black coat and pants with shiny black shoes and a pewter vest. It's hawt.
Aaaanyways...That's about all. Au revoir!

[And This Just In...]
Well not really, and I'm not even the first to know, but I figured I should post this so that I would remember when it finally happened later on...
COREY HAS A GIRLFRIEND! lol
Karen, the girl in the picture down there is who it is. Not really a big suprise because hes been drooling over her for like 8 months, but anyways...yep.

[Quiztacular]

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

30% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Dixie

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

You May Be a Bit Schizotypal ...

A bit odd and socially isolated. You couldn't care less of what others think. And some of your beliefs are a little weird. Like that time you thought you were Jesus.

What Personality Disorder Are You?

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla


Samir


What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hahah yeah Quizilla is back up and I'm reaaaally bored...
Seems like every other one of those quizzes is something like "Which Harry Potter/Anime Character Will U Marry!!!! Gurls ONLEY!!!! :D" lol

Karen, ASCII-fied 

The Navy bear and hats 

The Navy flag 

My friend Court on the far right 

After about 27 hours with no sleep, I'm tired 

[Excitement Galore]
What's it been? A month almost, I suppose. Since my last post, we've won two, maybe four of our lacrosse games, I'm not sure about the other two, but I'll get back to that later, but not too much later because I can't think of a whole lot that I need to post before that point.
So our first lacrosse game was against John Stark's Varsity. We're a club team, so we got annihilated...it was likt 15-0 or something like that. I got a shot though, but only because I had the ball at the end of the game and I just threw it at their goalie from half field at 2 seconds left.
The next day, we drove out to Dover (in snow, no less), to play their JV team. We beat them 8-2, but it was a fun game, though. I took a hefty hit from two or more sides at once (I can't remember really because I hit my head when I landed), and I lost my stick for a couple seconds.
Third game was against Gilford's club team, an even match, but they just weren't playing as well as we assumed they would. We won that one 10-5, and I played like 2 minutes because i had a slitting headache.
The last two games--friday and saturday were Derryfield and Londonderry. I wasn't able to play in those because I wasn't in school on friday and saturday I was in Portland...but like I said, more on that later on. Derryfield I can pretty much assume Pembroke lost because Derryfield is a 14 year old program, and very good too. Londonderry, I don't know. It was a freshman/sophomore game, but we had to put in some juniors and seniors to have a full line. I don't know how that turned out though.
But anyways, thursday night, Petty Officer Files from the Navy came over and told me that I wasn't going to school on friday so that I could go to take care of some stuff then go to MEPS to take the ASVAB and join the Navy. So I stayed home, and all day I was blowing my nose every thirty seconds because I had a serious sinus problem and it's pollen season too. Friday night I was sick, I puked three times in the hotel room that I was staying in up in Portland, and I couldn't get rid of the sinus headache I had either. Anyways, I went back down to MEPS and got a 95th on the ASVAB, so I was begged to join the program I was hoping to get into, plus they gave me $12,200 to join up. Not a bad deal if you ask me. I ship out for Great Lakes, IL January 12th for basic.
What's cool about that is that Ryan Cumings is going to be going into the same program as me on the same ship date, so we're basically paired up for the first year we're in. That's going to help a lot. The other cool thing about it is that Court lives like half an hour from the base, so she said she's going to come visit me while im there, which is going to make the whole two months there much better.
So, before I even called my mom about them asking me to take the job, she had gone to the Navy store in Concord and bought a bunch of Navy stuff. Pictures to come later on if I remember when I reboot.
So yesterday morning I found out that I have an admirer that I don't even remember meeting. Well, I can remember when I met her, and I can sort of remember what she looked like...but I don't think I said more than one or two sentences to her. Anyways, she wanted to hang out with me, so I'm going to see about getting ahold of tickets to the prom. The last day they were selling them was friday, but I'm going to see if Mrs Gridley will let me buy some anyways because I couldn't go to school friday at all, and she loves me because I got a 100 in her Spanish class last year (the studious student I am).
I'm a little wary of this all because Jordan (that's the girl's name) is my mom's friend's daughter, which would make things weird to begin with, and from what I hear she's really pretty, which makes me wonder what she'd want to do with me anyways (on a side note, I'm going to take a new WAI picture to post up there, the bawls one is aged enough).
Bleahhh. So I worked on my calc portfolio for like 7 hours today and I'm only about half way done. Good thing it's due friday...that gives me a decent amount of time to work on it this week.
Ugh...

Turns out that I'm my favorite serial killer...

Take the quiz: "Serial Killer Quiz"

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
you kill assholes; lots of assholes! HOORAY for You!!!!

[The Hand that Feeds]
Since my last post things have happened.
FIRST finished up.
Steph came back from school for spring break and I hung out with her.
Lacrosse started.
That's just about all the good stuff.

Otherwise
My brother was caught hacking at school.
None of my teachers trust me because they think that I'm going to follow his example.
My great grandmother died and I had to spend a week in Ohio.
I get home from work tonight and my sister starts screaming at me and my mom because shes a rotten little bitch, then my mom starts screaming at me.

What a wonderful life.

[Suck]
Attack of the psychobitch from hell, part III.
Tonight I got an IM before I was about to head up north for a couple hours.
Joey's girlfriend still thinks that her being a bitch to me is MY fault somehow. I'm done with putting up with her shit. DONE.

[Politik(s)]
So it would seem that being someone's friend, almost his brother, for thirteen years isn't quite enough to continue a friendship on.
Seems that since I'm not subservient to his girlfriend, apparently I don't like her. I don't give a shit whether they're together, it's not my life, I'm not going to break them up or anything like that.
For about 2 hours last night she bitched at me because I obviously don't care about Joey. Then this morning she bitched at me more because I make her feel inadequate.
Yet another reason I hate people.

[Don't Give Up]
The old phrase I've used many a time. But do I really practice what I preach?
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and who I am; who I want to be. I can't see myself becoming anything that can contribute to society. I'm not a slacker per se, but I just can't see myself doing anything that would benefit myself as well as the rest of the world. Nothing I can do could ever be considered a useful skill in the real world.
That's a funny thing to say, though. It makes me think about, what can I do? I don't have any real skills. I'm not good at anything at all.
Sigh.
Seriously, what is my problem? I can't stand myself. I guess that's it. No matter how much I try, I can't help but embody the traits I hate most in people.

Intolerance: I hate it when people try to push their views onto me, especially about religion.
Self Doubt: I can't do anything for fear of failing.
Laziness: I don't like to do work at all, and I usually procrastinate from doing it as long as I can, and when I actually do it, the work is just barely what is required.

So why do I do this? Why can't I make myself into the person I want to be? Why can't I even accept myself for what I am, instead of constantly wanting to make myself better because I'm not good enough? I don't even know myself well enough to answer these questions.
Nearly every night my FIRST acquaintances and I gather in an AIM chatroom and we chat until 11 or later, sometimes until 1 in the morning. Corey is one of the kids that frequents the chats and tonight I was chatting with him about the topic of girls and this passage came up:

Corey: so if every other guy in the chats likes another girl in the chat...jake-your the last guy left
JakeTeam134: yeah i know
Corey: lol
JakeTeam134: girls dont like me, so i really just leave girls alone
Corey: dude wtf-your turning into me
JakeTeam134: turning into? ive been like this since way before i knew you
Corey: lol
Corey: well i compared you to me
JakeTeam134: yeah but the thing is, girls do like you
JakeTeam134: michi for example
Corey: girls dont like me like me
Corey: they just think im coolish
JakeTeam134: haha i can barely get people in general to like me, let alone get girls to "like" me
JakeTeam134: yeah im pathetic
Corey: dude-of the kids in the chat-your the coolest one there
JakeTeam134: hahah
Corey: its true

I wouldn't even have included this except for the last couple lines that corey sent me. I just can't see how he can see me like that. I don't consider myself special in any way, and yet he thinks I'm "the coolest one" of the 25 or so people that are in the chats. *Rubs eyes with thumb and forefinger* I don't see how someone could ever see me for anything more than what I am...nothing.
The bottom line is, I'll never change anyone's life. I'll never change the world. I'll never make a name for myself. I'm never going to amount to anything.
I don't want pity, I don't want help. I want to be able to respect myself. I want to feel better. I want to be happy, to be me.

[Sakura]

You ever get the feeling that no matter how hard you try, it's just not enough?
I have that feeling right about now...and it's the worst feeling I've ever had.

[Can You Hear Me?]

So...since I last posted, a lot has happened...well not a lot, but quite a few things.
First off, I had a major attack of the flu and was out of school for a day we well as almost bedridden for a weekend. Damn I hate being sick. I'm almost never sick, but when I am, I am really sick.
Winter carnival was last week, and that means I worked on the robot all day through school. That was good. We are almost ready to start practicing with it. We have all the main mechanisms on the base, and the base runs. All we have to do now is wire it up and Ryan wants to write up some more code. Right now we're at 110 lbs...that means we'll probably have to cut off some weight just to be on the safe side later on, Kelly wants to be a little light just in case the scale we have isn't calibrated quite right.
More FIRST news later.
I got an 86 on my calculus portfolio. I'm happy that I got at least a decent grade on it...that come up to being a B-, but hey...better than a C, right?
I haven't been playing so much WoW lately...not sure why, I just haven't. Steph's computer is fixed though, so she's been playing more and she got her character to level 20 I think she said. Soon she'll meet me in level (my main in is lvl 31 or 32 I think).
So the FIRST news...FIRST the good news. We have a really good Chairman's Award going on and I think we have a really good shot at winning it this year. We also have a really good Woodie Flowers Award going too, we're doing it on the team advisor, Mr. Kelly.
More good news, I met another FIRSTer girl, Carli Roberts (the one on the far right...not a great picture, but most pictures taken aren't these days) ...she's from a team pretty close to my friend's down in Jersey (more on him later). She's different, but cool nonetheless.
Bad news now... I might not be going to Nats after all. I was supposed to room with Corey Balint...a kid I know from Team 25 in NJ...but his advisor said it wasn't going to happen. We were pretty sure that he would change his mind eventually, but I decided not to push it since it turns out that last year at a competition, Cokeley had a stroke and went into the hospital. The worst thing I can do to him is to have Corey pissing him off, or making him have another stroke just for me...I'm not worth the trouble, you know?
Eh. That kinda ruined my evening, you know? Whatever.

[Calamitous Judgment]
I haven't updated in like three weeks so I decided I should. I guess the main reason I haven't updated (and probably the reason I haven't gotten any sleep lately or talked to any of my friends) is because I bought World of Warcraft. Blizzard's first attempt at an MMORPG, and mainly based on the world of Warcraft III [no pun intended]. It has absorbed most of my free time, and when I'm not at school or work, I play WoW. I think it's safe to say I'm addicted.
In other news, Steph has found a new guy that she really likes, which is way awesome. She's so happy lately. Wheee.
So friday my calculus teacher assigned a portfolio of all the work we did in semester 1 this year. It was 24 problems, then summaries of how to do the problems, then summaries of the section of material with general examples and references to the problems we chose for the section of the portfolio. So I figured since she assigned it friday it would be at least a week before she wanted it handed in. WRONG. About 4.9 seconds after she announced the portfolio, I got the paper that listed the due dates. It was due wednesday (sort of yesterday since it's thursday now), but she said it would be accepted until 5pm tonight. PHEW.
So this weekend was FIRST kickoff. The game is weird, but I think we're gonna do pretty well. I'm not gonna tell y'all anything about the robot or our strategy because I know there are other FIRSTers that read this blog... :P
So all weekend I was gone to FIRST stuff and I didn't work on my portfolio at all. Then monday night I started and since then I've worked on it for at least 3 hours a day...I probably put in about 16 hours total. Ugh, I hate calculus now. Sigh. But, I'm finished. I wrapped it up at about 5 tonight. Today was an early release, so I got out of school at 12:30 and came home to work on it. I skipped out on work for the day to do my schoolwork. That's dedication for you. All I can say is that I better get a good grade on it because that's probably the best work I've done in that class...maybe any class in high school. If I don't get a decent grade on it, I'll probably cry.