[So yeah...]
It's been a pretty strange fall for me. I finished up with Saratoga Springs, and moved out.
Just before that I intended to hang out with Lisa one last time but...well, let's just say things fell through and we had a fight. We didn't talk for a while after that.
Naghena, well, she went off to school, and even though she was adamant about not wanting a boyfriend basically all summer, hooked up with some dude in the first couple weeks she was out there. I think that she's one of those girls that really needs to be in a relationship to feel validated, but was trying to get out of that.
Alex... Alex and I had a great weekend when I went down to the City to visit her. We went all over Manhattan, ended up making out for a while, and for a while I really thought that I'd finally connected with a girl, I was comfortable with her and things were going pretty well. And then on Sunday, I went home. I hadn't heard from her, so Friday, I sent her an email asking what was going on, and she responded telling me that she's a really busy person and couldn't always put aside time just to keep me informed. She said I was impatient, indecisive, and didn't have any goals for myself. I apologized for being such an asshole and since then, she hasn't made any effort to talk to me so I've left her alone.
After leave, I went out to Portsmouth to report to the Memphis. Turns out that I was supposed to go to Groton instead, so I went down there, and was stuck there for a few weeks doing check-in stuff. I went up to the Memphis afterwards for about 6 working days, then Thanksgiving happened and after that I went out on the Augusta for a month. It's funny how different the crew's attitudes are toward new guys. On the Memphis, all the higher up guys hate me really because I'm new and not qualified. They don't even know me and they treat me like shit just because. On the Augusta, everyone was helpful and cooperative. Nobody belittled me for being new, they all tried to teach me things, even the guys that were newer there. On the Memphis, the E-Div chief acts like I'm the cause of all his problems, and the other guys barely tolerate me.
Yesterday, they compared new guys to puppies. They said that some, you treat them like shit and they get mean, eventually they'll bite you back. Others, you treat them like shit and they'll just huddle in a corner and not do anything about it. They said that I'm more like the latter. Which I guess is true. For two years, I've been lead to believe that I have no valid opinion, and that anything I think is worthless. So, I've got into the habit of keeping everything I think in and not telling anyone.
I was kind of like that before, which is why I started this blog in the first place, to get my thoughts out, but the military has kind of accentuated that. From the outside, I imagine that I look pretty much emotionless. But I feel like I have to be.
Which leads me to my next note. I started talking to my friend Emily over leave. We'd talked before and were pretty good friends, but we made a real connection lately because both of us kind of feel left behind lately. All of our friends went off to college, but we haven't...it doesn't sound like much, but that makes us part of kind of an exclusive club that not many other people are in. We talk a lot, and as par with me, any cute girl that pays a lot of attention to me I fall for. So for a couple months, we've been flirting, just because that's how I talk to girls that I like, and whether they like me or not, they tend to flirt back. I don't mind the attention, and I don't think that they do either.
So yesterday, we started talking about more interesting things than usual--sex, crushes, stuff like that. We talked about sex in general, and she told me how she liked it, that she'd faked a couple orgasms before, and all of this without me really asking at all.
I was in Boston with Duncan, and so Emily and I were texting back and forth about whatever, generally sex-related, or innuendo-based stuff. It was nice, because I had thought for a long time that she was a good girl that wasn't interested/experienced in that kind of stuff.
Last night, I was on my way back from Boston, and I let it slip that, at one point of time or another, I tend to have a crush on most girls that I'm friends with. "So who's your crush right now?" I didn't tell her that I've got a pretty heavy thing for her.
Not because of the high school "I don't want her to know I like her because it's a secret" thing, but because of a few deeper issues I have. First off, the reason that she and I both haven't been to college isn't the same. For me, it's because I'm in the Navy and didn't get a chance. For her, it's because she's still in high school. Just the age difference alone makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for liking her so much. Don't get me wrong, she's more mature than most girls that are my age. But still, four years is a big difference. Another problem I have is that she's my friend's ex. So that makes this the third time since junior year that I've crushed on my friend's ex. The distance thing plays in too, she lives in New Jersey, so even when I move down to Groton, it'll be a considerable drive to get to see her.
I know she likes older guys, and she's flirting pretty heavily with me, so I'm pretty sure that she likes me, and I'm sure that she knows how I feel about her since I can't make it very inconspicuous...but with all my self-doubts and insecurities, I just don't know if it's safe for me to let it happen. I'm the kind of guy that will be unhappy on a relationship level to keep from losing a girl that I really like.
Sigh. I'm such an idiot.