[Wasting Time]
This morning my idiot of a little sister screamed at me for an hour because I told her to clean HER cat's litter box, and she's too lazy to do it. So finally I just said that I was sick of her shit and went into my room.
And then she calls my mom and says "HE was yelling at me!" Because if Little Miss Perfect doesn't get her way she HAS to bitch and moan until she does. And my mom gets on the phone and starts yelling at me because I OBVIOUSLY yell at her soooooo much. And I told her that THIS, this kind of SHIT that I have to deal with all the time, THIS is why I want out of here. THIS is the reason I don't want to live here anymore.
Who the fuck would willingly submit to THIS for another four years, why the fuck would I give up my life for another four years JUST TO GET THIS SHIT AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING?
No wait, I am the one that's wrong here. It's only LOGICAL for me to stay here because I SAVE HER THE MONEY TO PAY FOR COLLEGE. GUESS WHAT...I'M PAYING NO MATTER WHAT. I GOT TO SCHOOL AND I PAY TUITION. I STAY HERE AND I LOSE MY SANITY.
And it's not like this is all that pisses me off so much. It's just shit like this that I deal with every fucking day that sets me off. I mean there's no end to it all. At night idiots won't give me space to breathe, and during the day it's impossible to escape them.
I go to school and see morons running around in wigger-wear; these are the kids that are too stupid to see that they're definately NOT black and they wear the clothes that make them look more like retards. These are the kids that wear clothes from like South Pole or I don't even know what the fuck else because they think it makes them look ghetto-er. Why the fuck would you want to look like you were poor? I have nothing against poor people, but the people that have to wear shit like that probably don't want to. These companies aren't making any money off of the people that first wore those clothes. They're making all their money off of the idiots that think they need to look black to be cool. A note to all you kids out there on the internet: just being black doesn't make you cool.
Then I go to work and have to deal with all the shit there too. It used to be morons that wanted their 50 thousand cans bagged, each in a paper bag. Now it's much worse. Now I have to deal with kids that have no respect for anyone. Why? Because their parents give them every fucking thing they want and don't make them learn any manners out of it. These kids will scream across a room for their idiot cohort to give them something because they're too lazy to get off their fat lazy ass and walk 10 feet to get it themself.
Then I come home just to hear my mom yell at me for two hours about college, and how it doesn't make any sense at all for me to move out and go to school. She says "All I'm saying is that it's LOGICAL for you to stay here and go to school at the technical college for $6,000 a year instead of moving out and paying $20,000 to live at school." Cheaper, yes. Logical, no. As I stated before, I'm going crazy here. I deal with so much shit on a daily basis from my shithead sister and everyone else here that I can't stand it. The worst part is, no matter how wrong anyone else is, I'm still stuck with all the blame. Why? Because I am the one that's ALWAYS wrong.
I go on my computer, online to escape. To escape the rest of my life because I can't stand it. And as soon as I go on, some kid starts bothering me. This is a kid that can't even speak english, and HE'S playing out that HE is better than me. I'm not saying like he thinks Ebonics is a real language. I mean he can't even speak english half the time. He says to me last night, "I'd like to see you pick up another language like I did, then you can come back at me and talk about how I can't speak english." How about French, Spanish, Italian, HTML, C, C++? There's...one, two, three, four, five...six languages I've learned in the past 5 years. Sorry I didn't beat your record of four years, but I think I didn manage to make up for that with the fact that I did six instead of just one.
It wouldn't be so bad if he just couldn't speak english. But when every night he comes back to me just to tell me about how much better he is than I am that pisses me off. It wouldn't even be so bad if he were, in fact better than me. But he isn't, not in the least. He's a bigotous, uneducated idiot that thinks he knows everything about EVERYTHING because he's foreign.
I mean, this is the kid that tries to tell me EVERY night that the president started a draft, just so that we could go to war some more. That's one opinion. The misrepresentation of facts pisses me off though. You see third-party, unbiased magazines, such as the E-Talking Head that have said all along that Kerry's draft was just that, KERRY'S DRAFT. Moreover, we have such other sites as RealPolitik, or LittleGreenFootballs (which got an award for 2004's best blog in journalism. I would really prefer those respected sources over some idiot from another country that can't even speak english.
Then this morning I wake up and have to deal with shit. In two ways. I take my brother to school as I usually do, then I came home to see a note on the table. It said "Make sure the cat litter box gets cleaned out." So since my sister is always telling everyone how the cat is HERS, I told her to clean it up. What does she do? She stands there screaming and bitching and pissing and moaning for an hour at me because I should me the one that has to do it, since I was the first one to read the note. Oh yeah. That's how it's supposed to work.

[Electric Demons in Love]
So to explain the recent trend, I think from now on, I'll be using the names of songs for my post titles. Yay for stuff like that.
So today Kyle asked Court out I guess. That's really cool. He's a really good kid, and they like each other. Hm. I don't know really anything else to say about that, but I thought I should note it so I didn't forget later on.
What else?
Today was FIRST and stuff. Pat was back from Clarkson for the meeting. He was installing Inventor on the computers in Riel's room, but having a little bit of trouble because of the stupid Novell ZenWorks that RubegaDemon wanted on the school's computers. Why is it there? To "insure that the school's computers are secure." It really just makes them into terminals. We get a list of programs that we can use...Word, Excel, Access...the general MSOffice stuff. Then we get Internet Explorer and then some stupid programming stuff. That't about it. I hate it when people screw with computers like that. Gr. I haven't been able to hack the system, yet. But I think I will be able to sometime. I hope.
Hrm. So this girl has been stalking me at school and stuff. I don't know why, seeing as I'm not all that appealing. She IMs me a lot (I don't know how she managed to get my screen name), she calls me on the phone...she follows me around school. I'm starting to get scared. Like really scared.
In other news, I think we're in good shape for the money thing in FIRST this year. Probably still no Nats at this point for the rest of the team, but I think we've scraped up enough to make it through the regular season...Aaaand I'm going to Nats. Wonder what I'm going to do down there if the rest of the team doesn't go? This question has come up a couple times to me, and I really don't know the answer. I mean, I can't do a whole lot DURING the comp, I mean I won't be driving, and I'm pretty sure they're full on the refs and stuff like that. Nuclear War on the Dance Floor So. What am I to do? I don't know. Maybe I'll figure that out when I get there, or maybe I just won't go and save myself about $500. Sure, it would be really cool to go to Nats, but if I'm going to be bored down there, why spend all that money? Sigh.
So the other night I was trying to update Battlefield 1942. Turns out that EA is horrible at coorisponding with the sites that they host their patches on and I downloaded an old patch. Why did I download an old patch? Because it said on the EA website that it was the newest one. I spent about 3 hours trying to get that stupid game working. Then I finally gave in and downloaded GameSpyware like it wanted me to all along. What happened? Turns out that the new patch was ONLY hosted on GameSpyware servers. You had to be logged in to the network and you had to wait in like for 45 minutes for the download to start, then another 3 hours for the 4MB patch to download because every single person on the GameSpy network is downloading from that one server. I hate GameSpy so much. You don't even know. Arg.
Steph's home today. I got a call from her about 2 hours ago that her computer was dead. Lol that thing needs to be trashed. She got it working again, but I think the thing has been struggling for some time now. She's getting a new one this Christmas break though.
Hrm. What else to post about? I bought the Electric Six CD the other day. Don't know if I posted about that though. It's really good. Kind of a mix of old school funk, disco, rap, and techno. It's so weird. In a good way. Pick it up sometime. I did, and was magically suprised.
Hah; amusing anecdote time. Tonight I was at the drug store getting some muscle relaxants (don't ask). And there was this guy that pulled up to the drive-thru window and started yelling at the girl working at the pharmacy. Now picture this girl--she's about 5'5" and MAYBE 110 lbs after she eats a lot. She's tiny.
So this biker dude pulls up in his big Ford F-350 or whatever and starts screaming at her "You stole my credit card! I didn't get it back!" Now this girl, she says to the guy "I remember putting it in the drawer to give back to you..." And shes looking everywhere. This guy is just sitting there flipping out at her for like 5 minutes.
I offer to go out and look for the card for him, since the girl has a job to do and the guy looks kinda sketchy, you know? So he says "Hold on I'll look myself." Macho dude didn't think to look on the ground before he started to yell at this girl, right?
Turns out that he dropped his credit card onto the runningboard of his truck and just never bothered to look around before he started making some girl feel like shit. Sigh. Not that amusing, was it? Oh well.
Tonight I was filling out my application to UNH. Yeah, it's UNH. Not an incredible school, but it's definately a respectable one. I know people that like it there, and others that don't. Steph goes there and she's trying to get into Holy Cross, somewhere in Mass. I hope she gets in, though if she stayed at UNH I might get to hang out with her some more. That would be pretty cool, but it's more important that she's happy with where she's at, so for her sake, I hope that she goes into HC.
So this app for UNH, it's not too bad. I'm filling everything out, then I get to the essay section. Essentially, it says "make up your own essay about anything you want." Wtf am I supposed to write? Should I write about how the quality of the American way of life has been depreciating over the past 50 years? Should I write about how I like to listen to music that is written by unhappy people (like Trent Reznor) because it makes me feel better? I don't know.

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Ever notice that some days, no matter how good you feel, you still feel like shit? No? Well I do. A lot, actually. I don't know...I guess I lied the other day when I said I was usually pretty happy. Well, not lied. I just couldn't remember when I was really unhappy because I was usually not particularly happy or not. Usually I'm in between. Not ever really happy, but never really sad either. I guess I'm kinda just moving from one event to the next, living as i can.
Maybe that is how the Greeks really lived. I mean the ones that wanted to celebrate the gift of being alive. Sure I have fun when I have fun (if that makes sense). But I really don't DO much.
I hate this time of the year.
It's when all my psycho problems kick in...Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, all that wonderful stuff. It's a hard time for everyone in my family, too. I mean my mom can barely make it through some years. Mainly it's because she can remember that first year after my dad died that she had to make it through the whole season. I can remember then, too. Me, a little 10 year old kid, trying to help his mom get through something he couldn't dream of handling himself. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that time when I was trying so hard to be the strong one in the family. My brother and sister have the privelage of not remembering before it happened. Yeah, they're missing out on the memories of our dad, but they aren't haunted by him either. Every day I see or hear something that reminds me of him and it hurts me so much to still be the strong one.
Maybe that's what made me the way I am...I had to grow up way too fast. I never used to be the way I am. It's just been the past 7 years that I've been so introverted and self concious. Over the past few years I've had so much shit dumped on me. I get hit by a truck, I lose my dad, my mom enters a series of failed relationships with jerks, I enter my own series of failed relationships; all the while my grades are slipping and I'm losing my chances at getting into a good school and not being a failure...
And it all comes together about this time of the year. This year it hasn't been so bad because I'm working on everything all the time, keeping myself busy. But at night it kind of just comes out. I dissapear into my room and cut off all relationships in the real world. I don't talk to anyone in the house, I don't go out anymore, I lose myself in the world of the internet. I really wish I could pull myself out of this...slump, or whatever you'd call it. I want to be happier, I just don't think it's going to happen.
I wrote a song a while back that kind of characterizes it all. I'm a totally different person at night than during the day. There are people that I can say anything to online, but when I'm actually with them, or even just talking to them on the phone I can't think of anything to day anymore. I guess the anonymity of the internet is a comfort for me. I can be myself without a fear of being ridiculed for being me. Sad but true, it happens a lot to me. Probably the main reason I'm so pissed off at the world so often is because no one will respect me.
The problem is that the real me isn't anything like the me from the daytime. During the day, I can't even force myself to be me. It's as if I have some sort of mask on that I wear all day and take off when I get into my room. Maybe if I could force myself to be more like me I would be happier.
Maybe.
I have a lot of problems that I need to come to terms with. Self doubt probably being the root of the rest. I know I act like I have things together, but I can't even figure out what I'm doing right now. I can't figure out what I'm doing with my life, what I'm doing with anything. I try to be strong, but I just can't do it anymore. I just can't.
I don't know anymore, should I just give in to it all or should I keep fighting? It just seems like everything I do ends up being in vain. I need to escape it all.

[Far Away Boys]
So tonight I decided to randomly IM someone. Turned out pretty good...She's really cool. A little shy, but cool nonetheless.
I have FIRST tomorrow...should be good. Kickoff is in about 3 weeks. I can't wait for the game to be announced...
Christmas is in about 10 days, that should be cool. Vacation after that, but I have to work 8-4 monday to friday...
Steph was kinda mad tonight...I hope it's just finals stress. Sigh. I just wish she was happy again, like she was in the spring...

[Drunken Lullabies]
I came to a realization recently. Well, it was really a while ago, but the idea only solidified for me just within the last few minutes. I hadn't noticed it, but for a while I've been pretty content. Angry at times, yes. Sometimes a little sad, but for the most part I've been able to keep my head up and take things as they come.
I don't remember the last time I was really like this. I don't know why it is, but I just seem to have some sort of blissful indifference for most of the world. The past week or so, I haven't really cared what happens--I figure I'll take care of it all as it comes. I've adopted the Greek way of life: "Eat, drink, and be merry today. There is a great chance you won't be here tomorrow."
What if I'm not here tomorrow? What then? I don't want to stare my death in the eye and have regrets about my life. I just don't have time to be unhappy, so I'm not. Eh.

The other day someone told me that most of the time girls tend to gravitate to the gay guys. That might be true, but as I have posted before, I have plenty of girl friends. I think they're just more interesting than my male friends. It's probably a little odd that I like to listen to them too. I like to hear what my friends have to say, I like to hear them talk about whatever they have to say--from what they did today to whatever they're thinking of...good or bad.
I guess that's why I really don't care about having a girlfriend. I mean, what would I do with a girlfriend that I don't do with my girl friends now? I talk to them until odd hours of the morning, I go out to the movies, dinner, the mall, all that stuff. So I don't see any real point in putting myself in danger of being hurt again like I was in March.
If there are any male readers out there, you might be thinking "well what about the sex?" What about it? There's more to life and relationships than sex. It really doesnt matter to me either way. I'm not prepared to deal with the consequences of something I really don't need to partake in. That's just my opinion, as is just about everything in my journal here. Eh.

In shallower news, I downloaded a bunch of Flogging Molly stuff last night. Good band. I really like their Irishness. I love being Irish.
So Greg Perkins told me that if I can pay for my ticket and get a room, I can go to Nationals with him and his friends. Sounds pretty good, eh? Right now, I'm looking to invade one of my friend's rooms, so that if I do win BAE I can still stay in the same hotel as the rest of my team. Explain the logic? Sure. If I book a room for Nats in Atlanta, it'll be in about a month. Nats are in April. So...if I book a room in a hotel, and it ends up being something other than the one my team stays at, I won't be staying with them. That would make for some tough commutes and coordination. Get it? Got it? Good.
We put up Christmas stuff today. The tree, lights, foily stuff on the front doors, all that stuff. So while I was doing that and making the floors shiny, the mom went out and got us all TVs. Sounds good, eh? Christmas presents, though. Sigh. Oh well.
I'm about written out...lol I guess I don't have much more to write tonight...
Gr. I wanted to write some more, but I don't know what to write.

[IT'S NEWINGTON!]
So today I went up to Durham to hang out with Steph. When I got there, she and her roomie, Yoomi (that rhymes bwahah. not that funny, but it really is to me) were trying to put Yoomi's bed on some sort of raising frame. So I helped them, and after a lot of hitting it with hammers, and messing, we finally got the bed up on top of the frame. It was taller than Steph and Yoomi, but it was all good.
So after that, Steph and I took a walk around campus and saw all the sights and such that UNH has to offer--the library, some classrooms, the MUB, all that awesome stuff...
So later we went to Newington to catch a movie. First, though we went to the mall to kill some time. Stopped in Electronics Boutique and Game Stop, and I picked up a couple Christmas presents. After that, we headed to the movie theater where we saw "The Incredibles," which I thought was pretty good, much better than I expected, it being a Disney film and all.
After the movie I was really hungry since I hadn't eaten anything all day, so we went to T.G.I. Friday's. There's all kinds of stuff hanging on the walls and stuff. I got a cheeseburger and Steph got an enormous salad, which she almost finished. I was astonished...I mean someone fat would have trouble eating that much salad, but Steph almost got it all down, and she's tiny!
We got this brownie thing after for dessert, and it was so good, but it was really rich. After my burger, I could barely finish it, and I feel sick just thinking about the food again I ate so much lol.
So I go to pay the bill, and Steph starts to take out her money. I was going to pay the whole thing, because I was buying supper tonight. Steph doesn't like it when people pay for her, so I think she was a little mad at me, but its all good now.
So then I dropped her back off at her dorm and came home, and here I am. Whee. Tonight I worked a little on my newest Photoshop project, Michi from Connecticut. I don't remember which team she's from...236 or 237. It's the Techno Ticks, whatever number they are. Aaand, that's about all that happened today. N'night all.

[I think I did it]
I really think I managed to help someone. Last night I was talking to my friend, and she's been feeling pretty bad lately. But last night I found a nice little story and I sent her a link to it. You wouldn't believe the change in her additude since then. I mean, just from last night to now, she seems so much happier, more like herself.
We're going to hang out on saturday, probably go to Portsmouth and see a movie, though Napoleon Dynamite isn't in the theater anymore, so I have no idea what I want to see. Guess we'll see whatever she picks out lol.
I realized over the past few days that my closest friends have pretty much all been girls for the past few years. Wonder why. I mean, I have my best friend Joe and a couple other guy friends--Ben, Tom, Tony--but when I go online, I talk to my girl friends. If I talk to anyone on the phone, it's one of my girl friends. I'm surrounded by them! lol. It's kinda like that anime that was on Cartoon Network a few years back called Tenchi Muyo, except without the whole love/obsession thing.
There's Darcie, the pimp girl that I talked to endlessly about this time last year.
Genia, who has a big heart, and kind of an obsession with guys in general (Tom and I, among others).
Lisa is always there to make anyone smile with her wit and unique charm.
Court is just fun to talk to...she always seems to make me laugh, no matter how I feel.
And Steph, who has been there for me as long as I have known her. She's probably one of the coolest people I know, and just talking to her makes me feel good. She has a sort of energy about her that does that to people...
On another note, my friend Kyle was having a pretty bad night, though I don't quite know what was up. He wouldn't tell me, but Court sent him an email to see what was up, but obviously she hasn't gotten a return on that since he isn't on his computer.

[I need to write something...]
...or I think I'm going to explode. I've said it many times before, but I have to say it again.
I've seen the best and the worst of people that our world has to offer. I used to think that all people have some good in them, and I was perfectly happy in thinking that. But, in learning about people, and what they do to each other, I really can't go on thinking that anymore. I know too many good people who have been hurt, I know too many good people whose hopes have been shattered.
Maybe I'm taking on too much when I try to help, but sometimes I just feel so useless. There are a few people in my life that never seem to be able to be happy. I'm not saying that it's their fault or anything, on the contrary, I'm saying that one thing after another after another wears them down until they don't have any hope left for the world.
They stumble through their lives as shells of what they were before, not wanting to be like this, but not being able to revert back to themselves. I wish so much that I could help them, but I just can't seem to find a good way to do it.
This is one of the main reasons that I believe there is no "God" or any ruling power whatsoever controlling us. If there was such a benevolent power controlling our lives, why would it ever put good people through hell? What kind of sadistic asshole would ever cause so much pain to so many people? Why would anyone want to worship it, why would anyone want to reward something like this with their time, sacrifice, and lives?
Don't give me that bullshit about "Him rewarding you in the life after this one," because this is all that there is. Here and now, this is life, this is death, this is existence. You're born, you die, you rot. The end. No more happens after that.
I don't see a point in giving up yourself to something that will, in the end be pointless. Spend your time doing something that will benefit mankind as a whole, not just you. "Worshipping God makes all people look better to Him." No. If there were a God, your praying would only get you alone brownie points. So do the world a favor, get out there and help someone.
That's what I try to do, whenever I can, for whomever I can. I don't see a point on being here if I were to be so vain as to think that all problems in the world were the cause of "God's Will," or a "Grander Scheme." That's shifting blame to something else to make humankind look better. And what does it accomplish? Nothing at all, it just makes you lazy. In the end, you won't take responsibility for humanly faults, and you won't further humanity as a whole.
That's about all I have rant about tonight. Meandering, no?