So to explain the recent trend, I think from now on, I'll be using the names of songs for my post titles. Yay for stuff like that.
So today Kyle asked Court out I guess. That's really cool. He's a really good kid, and they like each other. Hm. I don't know really anything else to say about that, but I thought I should note it so I didn't forget later on.
What else?
Today was FIRST and stuff. Pat was back from Clarkson for the meeting. He was installing Inventor on the computers in Riel's room, but having a little bit of trouble because of the stupid Novell ZenWorks that RubegaDemon wanted on the school's computers. Why is it there? To "insure that the school's computers are secure." It really just makes them into terminals. We get a list of programs that we can use...Word, Excel, Access...the general MSOffice stuff. Then we get Internet Explorer and then some stupid programming stuff. That't about it. I hate it when people screw with computers like that. Gr. I haven't been able to hack the system, yet. But I think I will be able to sometime. I hope.
Hrm. So this girl has been stalking me at school and stuff. I don't know why, seeing as I'm not all that appealing. She IMs me a lot (I don't know how she managed to get my screen name), she calls me on the phone...she follows me around school. I'm starting to get scared. Like really scared.
In other news, I think we're in good shape for the money thing in FIRST this year. Probably still no Nats at this point for the rest of the team, but I think we've scraped up enough to make it through the regular season...Aaaand I'm going to Nats. Wonder what I'm going to do down there if the rest of the team doesn't go? This question has come up a couple times to me, and I really don't know the answer. I mean, I can't do a whole lot DURING the comp, I mean I won't be driving, and I'm pretty sure they're full on the refs and stuff like that.
So the other night I was trying to update Battlefield 1942. Turns out that EA is horrible at coorisponding with the sites that they host their patches on and I downloaded an old patch. Why did I download an old patch? Because it said on the EA website that it was the newest one. I spent about 3 hours trying to get that stupid game working. Then I finally gave in and downloaded GameSpyware like it wanted me to all along. What happened? Turns out that the new patch was ONLY hosted on GameSpyware servers. You had to be logged in to the network and you had to wait in like for 45 minutes for the download to start, then another 3 hours for the 4MB patch to download because every single person on the GameSpy network is downloading from that one server. I hate GameSpy so much. You don't even know. Arg.
Steph's home today. I got a call from her about 2 hours ago that her computer was dead. Lol that thing needs to be trashed. She got it working again, but I think the thing has been struggling for some time now. She's getting a new one this Christmas break though.
Hrm. What else to post about? I bought the Electric Six CD the other day. Don't know if I posted about that though. It's really good. Kind of a mix of old school funk, disco, rap, and techno. It's so weird. In a good way. Pick it up sometime. I did, and was magically suprised.
Hah; amusing anecdote time. Tonight I was at the drug store getting some muscle relaxants (don't ask). And there was this guy that pulled up to the drive-thru window and started yelling at the girl working at the pharmacy. Now picture this girl--she's about 5'5" and MAYBE 110 lbs after she eats a lot. She's tiny.
So this biker dude pulls up in his big Ford F-350 or whatever and starts screaming at her "You stole my credit card! I didn't get it back!" Now this girl, she says to the guy "I remember putting it in the drawer to give back to you..." And shes looking everywhere. This guy is just sitting there flipping out at her for like 5 minutes.
I offer to go out and look for the card for him, since the girl has a job to do and the guy looks kinda sketchy, you know? So he says "Hold on I'll look myself." Macho dude didn't think to look on the ground before he started to yell at this girl, right?
Turns out that he dropped his credit card onto the runningboard of his truck and just never bothered to look around before he started making some girl feel like shit. Sigh. Not that amusing, was it? Oh well.
Tonight I was filling out my application to UNH. Yeah, it's UNH. Not an incredible school, but it's definately a respectable one. I know people that like it there, and others that don't. Steph goes there and she's trying to get into Holy Cross, somewhere in Mass. I hope she gets in, though if she stayed at UNH I might get to hang out with her some more. That would be pretty cool, but it's more important that she's happy with where she's at, so for her sake, I hope that she goes into HC.
So this app for UNH, it's not too bad. I'm filling everything out, then I get to the essay section. Essentially, it says "make up your own essay about anything you want." Wtf am I supposed to write? Should I write about how the quality of the American way of life has been depreciating over the past 50 years? Should I write about how I like to listen to music that is written by unhappy people (like Trent Reznor) because it makes me feel better? I don't know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever notice that some days, no matter how good you feel, you still feel like shit? No? Well I do. A lot, actually. I don't know...I guess I lied the other day when I said I was usually pretty happy. Well, not lied. I just couldn't remember when I was really unhappy because I was usually not particularly happy or not. Usually I'm in between. Not ever really happy, but never really sad either. I guess I'm kinda just moving from one event to the next, living as i can.
Maybe that is how the Greeks really lived. I mean the ones that wanted to celebrate the gift of being alive. Sure I have fun when I have fun (if that makes sense). But I really don't DO much.
I hate this time of the year.
It's when all my psycho problems kick in...Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, all that wonderful stuff. It's a hard time for everyone in my family, too. I mean my mom can barely make it through some years. Mainly it's because she can remember that first year after my dad died that she had to make it through the whole season. I can remember then, too. Me, a little 10 year old kid, trying to help his mom get through something he couldn't dream of handling himself. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that time when I was trying so hard to be the strong one in the family. My brother and sister have the privelage of not remembering before it happened. Yeah, they're missing out on the memories of our dad, but they aren't haunted by him either. Every day I see or hear something that reminds me of him and it hurts me so much to still be the strong one.
Maybe that's what made me the way I am...I had to grow up way too fast. I never used to be the way I am. It's just been the past 7 years that I've been so introverted and self concious. Over the past few years I've had so much shit dumped on me. I get hit by a truck, I lose my dad, my mom enters a series of failed relationships with jerks, I enter my own series of failed relationships; all the while my grades are slipping and I'm losing my chances at getting into a good school and not being a failure...
And it all comes together about this time of the year. This year it hasn't been so bad because I'm working on everything all the time, keeping myself busy. But at night it kind of just comes out. I dissapear into my room and cut off all relationships in the real world. I don't talk to anyone in the house, I don't go out anymore, I lose myself in the world of the internet. I really wish I could pull myself out of this...slump, or whatever you'd call it. I want to be happier, I just don't think it's going to happen.
I wrote a song a while back that kind of characterizes it all. I'm a totally different person at night than during the day. There are people that I can say anything to online, but when I'm actually with them, or even just talking to them on the phone I can't think of anything to day anymore. I guess the anonymity of the internet is a comfort for me. I can be myself without a fear of being ridiculed for being me. Sad but true, it happens a lot to me. Probably the main reason I'm so pissed off at the world so often is because no one will respect me.
The problem is that the real me isn't anything like the me from the daytime. During the day, I can't even force myself to be me. It's as if I have some sort of mask on that I wear all day and take off when I get into my room. Maybe if I could force myself to be more like me I would be happier.
Maybe.
I have a lot of problems that I need to come to terms with. Self doubt probably being the root of the rest. I know I act like I have things together, but I can't even figure out what I'm doing right now. I can't figure out what I'm doing with my life, what I'm doing with anything. I try to be strong, but I just can't do it anymore. I just can't.
I don't know anymore, should I just give in to it all or should I keep fighting? It just seems like everything I do ends up being in vain. I need to escape it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment