1.2.2006; 1209 [The Beginning]

For a while now, Karen and I have been planning on getting together before I shipped off for Basic Training on the 11^th. This weekend was what happened from those plans. Thursday was my last day working at Staples, and Friday morning I woke up early to drive out to Exeter and catch my train down here to Philly.

The train ride down went well, until the car filled up completely with smelly old people and the coolant system gave out. I got nauseous. After nearly 8 hours on the rail, I finally arrived in 30^th Street Station. Just before I'd got there, Karen called me on my cell phone (and woke me up from the only sleep I managed to get that day, including the evening before; a good thing otherwise I would have slept through my stop), told me to call her back when I got into the station. Being the way Karen is, she put her phone into her back pocket and when it rang, Alicia—being Alicia—told her “Karen, your butt is ringing!” Karen dismissed this as another Alicia-ism, “I think I'd know if my butt was ringing,” and I stood in the middle of the station, pounding my redial and looking like a loon.

Eventually I found them in McDonalds (the place I should have looked first, considering Karen's taste in food), and we headed out. We all piled into the Hart Family Van, all six of us. Karen's mom, two sisters, Alicia, Karen, and me. Would have been a nice ride save the fact that I was still feeling pretty nauseous from the train ride, and we were in downtown Philly traffic, followed shortly by the bumpiest freeway I had ever been on.

This was the first time I had really met Valerie (middle sister), Juliana (youngest), and Mrs. Hart. All three look like Karen, only changed just a little bit. They're all really nice. Jana loves to interrogate people, Val is a more laid back version of her younger sister, and Mrs. Hart is the funny sort of middle ground that mothers always take with active kids. She always seems to have a cool, collected manner, no matter what the situation is.

Anyway, we all drove out on the bumpy freeway toward Mrs. Hart's mother's house. She had broken her ankle/foot, really messing it up in the process. Getting on the bus to go to work, she slipped and twisted it or something, but didn't take much heed when it was sore, Mrs. Hart called her a stoic, which I think applies pretty well. Within a few minutes, she noticed that it was swelling and changing colors pretty quickly. Eventually, she just had the bus driver drop her off at the fire station, and someone she knew from there drove her home. On top of it all, she picked up pneumonia or a really bad cold in the ER so she was losing her voice.

Heh, I can't keep from going off on these tangents tonight. We all got to grandma's house (luckily for my weak stomach) pretty soon, and hung out there for a while. Karen, Alicia, and I went downstairs to the living/TV room and looked at old pictures of Karen and her family, and made fun of how goofy they looked. Soon, Val and Jana came down and proceeded to bother us as all younger siblings love to do to their older sister and her friends.

Eventually, Mr. Hart showed up and I finally met him. To my surprise, I didn't get a hostile feeling from him all weekend, considering he thought Karen and I were dating months ago. He seems like a calm mannered, laid back kind of person, who reminded me (especially tonight) of my grandfather in the way he talked to the girls.

He took Karen, Alicia, and I to Karen's house and we went up to Karen's room to exchange late Christmas presents. I got Alicia three Sudoku books, and she did one of the puzzles in just over three minutes, shattering her previous record. Karen I got a Care Bear named Lucky. He is green and has a shamrock on his belly. I got her a necklace too with her birthstone in it (though I think it's a little pale to be the Aquamarine that the girl at the mall said it was).

Karen and Alicia teamshopped for me, as they always do, and got me a Heffalump stuffed animal from the Disney Store, a box of candy canes, and a random pink stuffed animal thing. All three were wrapped not in wrapping paper, but in whatever random stuff they could find at the moment they were wrapping them up...tissues, Seran wrap, duct tape...

Soon, Alicia, Karen, and I decided to go out and get something to eat, so we walked down the street to this little restaurant on the corner that was like a diner from the 50's. The food was alright, but I was still feeling a little queasy from the train ride. Getting something hot to eat did help a little with that.

Alicia had to leave soon after, so we didn't get to go to the movies as we planned that night. Instead, Karen and I watched Elf in the living room and then later on when Mrs. Hart got back with “the little ones,” as Karen refers to them, we all played Cranium together. Apparently Karen is usually good at that game, but when we teamed up we still came in last place.

They pulled out the air mattress and set it up for me on the floor of the living room, I was asleep in moments. The next morning, I woke up early, and being the first one up I didn't have anything really to do. I pulled out my laptop and found a leaky wireless network to slice in to and check my email, then I started reading the book Steph got me for Christmas: Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo, by Andy Greenwald. I'm about two thirds of the way through now and it's pretty good. Almost like a documentary on the evolution of Emo from Punk and Hardcore, how it influences, and is influenced by American culture, and all kinds of other fun tidbits thrown in the middle for spice.

We joke around all the time about being Emo, Karen and I. But it wasn't until I started reading this book that I realized how Emo I really am, if I can say that and let it still apply. The kid that is Emo analyzes himself and his world, and when it comes down to it, doesn't mind feeling bad. He also has a complex (no matter what the truth is), that the girl he loves is pretty, smart, funny, etc. and he's...mediocre. Not sporty enough to be a jock, not smart enough to be a brainy kid, not even nerdy enough to be a geek. The Emo kid is just what he is. Even before I read this book, I always had this kind of idea stuck in my head all the time. I never really bothered to tell people what I was thinking though, which is pretty un-Emo. I keep most things about myself bottled up inside...but that's just me. Mostly everything else applies, though. Especially with Karen, the lesser-than-she complex was prominent for me. I could never see her being able to feel for me like I do for her, because she's just a better person than I am, in most ways, if not all.

But enough of that depressing talk. Saturday, we went into Philly and walked around for the afternoon. We started out at Independence Hall Visitor's Center, got a map, and pretty much disregarded it for the rest of the day. We walked up to Christ Church, went in, and checked out all the pews and stuff, there were actually people buried just beneath the floor of the church, if you'll believe it.

After we were done that, we went up to the Betsy Ross House, and went through there, looked at all the old furnishings in the house, and almost died on the stairs (little more than ladders with more difficult steps, if you ask me). We listened to a Betsy Ross impersonator for a bit, and then headed out afterwards. I had to stop at Starbucks to get my caffeine fix, and a couple cookies of course. A few minutes after entering the Evil Empire Outpost, we left, me with my grande mocha with vanilla dust sprinkled on in hand, and we decided to go see the Fireman's Museum.

So we looked for some signs, and found them, the ones that lead us to the museum and when it started raining, we got wet. We got to the museum, tried to get in, and it was closed. Why? No one knows for sure. So we went back toward Independence Hall and went into the Constitution Center, which looked really cool on the outside, but was kind of empty on the inside. I think you needed to get tickets to get into the museum part of it, but I'm not sure. We left there pretty quickly after entering, and I was sad when Karen wouldn't let me take her picture in the new $10 bill standup where your face goes where Hamilton's should be.

Later on, we went through Independence Hall, saw the Liberty Bell, and went into the Curtis Building just to see what was in there. By then, Mrs. Hart and Val wanted to go home, and Karen was shivering from the cold, so when Val called me to see if we wanted to go home with them, we met up with them and left the city.

That night, Karen and I went to one of her friend's houses for a New Year's party. I met Amanda, Juliet, Ann, Colin, and two other girls, whose names I can't remember. They're all pretty cool, Ann reminds me of a guy named Phil that works in the Copy Center at Staples. Very calm, their words are always calculated but never meant to be mean. All Karen's friends are really nice though. A few were listenting to Dane Cook on their iPod, so I played what I had with me for Karen, and I think she liked it. We watched some scenes from Moulin Rouge (because all the girls there are in love with the movie. Colin and I were like “ok, whatever.”), then watched and sang along to Mulan. When the clock struck midnight we were all assaulted by the horns and their sound was horrible and loud. I wanted to surprise Karen and uphold the New Year's tradition where you're supposed to kiss someone at midnight, but I didn't know that she really wanted me to, and she decided to dance around soon after instead, so I didn't have much chance to ask her.

We went back to the Hart house, and soon, we turned in for the night. This morning, I woke up first, again. I didn't give in to the urge to wake up so early though, and I slept in for a bit longer. At about nine I couldn't sleep any more (why can't I do that when I'm at home?), and I got my Emo book out again. I went through about 120 pages before anyone came downstairs, and by then I was pretty much done reading for the day. If you have some time and you're interested in the growth of the music, it's a really good book, very informative.

By half past eleven, we'd almost all eaten, and we got into the cars to go to church. This was the first Catholic mass I'd gone to since my dad's own funeral service. I'd forgotten how different it was from a Protestant service, but maybe it's just this parish, and my memories are playing with my head again. The mass brought back some deep memories from when we went to that funeral service. Eight years past and I thought I'd moved on, but I guess I just buried everything and ignored it. Typical of me. Dane Cook was wrong, by the way. Everyone knows the moves...except for me.

After the mass, we went back to Karen's house, and Karen and I went out for a walk with the dog. We went around the block, and when we got back, we looked up the show times for the Chronicles of Narnia at the local cinema. The closest time was about 2 hours away, so we sat down in the living room and watched the most bizarre parade I'd ever seen on the TV. In Philly they have his tradition called the Mummer's Day Parade, where old, fat guys dress in drag and run around doing the cakewalk. Strange? Yes. Stranger still was that it's popular. They have these clubs that you have to be in to perform, and they all have waiting lists to join.

The movie was good, when we got to see it. Better and different that what I expected. I can't really go through any details without explaining the movie, and since my laptop's battery is low, I think I'll avoid that and just say that it was enjoyable.

After we got back from the movies, we all ate supper and then slumped down on the couch to watch some TV. Karen was leaning against me, so Val started bothering her, pulling her head off me and such, normal sibling stuff to do. So the parents decided that we were going to play a game of cards. We played a game of Rummy, then a game of Uno, and after that, Karen and I took the dog for another walk.

This time, we went all through the neighborhood. The air was a bit chilly, but it wasn't cold out tonight. It was relaxing and really nice to be able to spend some time just being with her. We went to an old school and sat on the swings and just talked for a bit. Something nostalgic about being on the swings, it makes you feel like a little kid again. We swung into each other, and one time I tried to swing behind her, only to end up hitting my face on the chain holding her swing up.

We went back to the house and started playing around with the computer for a bit. She and I took turns typing stuff to random people online, which is nerdy beyond all belief, but it was fun nonetheless. One of her friends IM'ed her and said “did you tell him yet??” just like that. I had no idea what it meant at first, but she closed the window and told me it was nothing. We went on just sending out random messages and stuff for a while. That killed some time until the inevitable happened, and Mr. Hart said we had to leave to drop me off at the station so I could catch my train. I picked up all my stuff, and we got into the car, Mr. Hart, Karen, and I. I didn't know what I was bold enough to pull off in the car with the dad around, so I just kind of leaned over like I was watching out the front window. Karen realized what I was doing and did the same. Even just sitting next to her like that, not even touching her, gave me a good feeling inside. We sat there, not talking or anything, just riding toward the city lights. When we got to the station itself, I was going to ask if I could have a few minutes to say goodbye to Karen, but Mr. Hart somehow knew and told her to “check to see if the trains were still running this late.” As protective as she said he is, Karen's dad is pretty cool.

I was planning on using this time to tell Karen how I felt for her. I figured if there was anything to be lost, it wouldn't matter now, with me leaving in less than two weeks. I dropped my stuff on a bench and hugged her.

We hugged for a couple moments, and I let go, thinking that she was just holding on because I was. She didn't let go. Was this what I'd been waiting for for four months to be able to do? We just stood there, hugging for a few minutes, and I told her “I am going to see you again. I am.” With a hint of a chuckle in her voice, she said back to me “I have no idea what you just said, but whatever,” I pulled my head around so my face was just in front of hers, to repeat myself, and she kissed me. Not even just once, three times. Instantly I felt unbelievably happy and sad at once. Happy that all this time I wasn't just someone that she was putting up with, she actually did have some feelings for me. Sad that I was too much of a coward to tell her myself how I really felt, and that it had only come out how we felt for each other at the moment when we were going to last see each other for a long time.

I kissed her back, and we hugged for a bit longer, just reveling in the moment. We sat down to take a couple pictures so that we could remember this forever.

No matter what, Karen always seems to look cute in her pictures. She seems to think otherwise, though. I took the first picture, and she said something along the lines of “I look so retarded!” but I had to disagree, to tell her the truth. Especially when she smiles, I can't help but be entranced by her. I told her I think she's beautiful, and that's not a lie.

“Funny,” I told her, “I've been trying to tell you this for a long time, but was too afraid...I didn't want to get labeled creepy,” with my typical sprinkling of sarcasm, “Me too,” was what she replied, and I'm sure she smiled at that. We kissed again.

“Visit me this summer, and write to me in basic, please?” I asked her once more, though I had already done so more than once over the weekend, with sarcastic responses that I'd expected and would have given myself, had I been posed the same question. “I will,” she simply replied. That meant more to me than people understand.

We sat there in the station, time melted away but I didn't care. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening, and I wanted to enjoy every minute of it that I could. Given the chance, I would have stayed there all night, just holding her, but that wasn't an option. Mr. Hart was waiting outside, and we didn't want Karen to get in trouble for making him wait so long so we decided it was best to let her go.

“I'll miss you,” she said, and when she turned back to me, she was so pretty I can't even describe it. Her face was a rosy pink, so I pointed it out, “You're blushing,” “Of course I'm blushing,” and I took a picture, because I wanted to keep that memory forever, without it changing.

We hugged one more time, and she turned to leave. With that, she walked out of the station. I made to go after her and say goodbye once more, but stopped myself.

Since then, I've felt that same feeling of combined happiness and sadness. I have a feeling in my stomach, the same feeling you get when you jump off a diving board, or go over a really steep water slide. A combination of adrenaline and fear. When will I get to see her again? No time seems soon enough.

I sat down in the train and started writing this entry as an effort to clear my thoughts. But nearly two hours into writing it, when my laptop's battery died, I still couldn't help but feel a sadness that the time we had together is over, for now at least. I tried to sleep some, since my train ride from Philly to Boston was nearly seven hours long. I turned on some ambient music and laid down on the seat, but couldn't seem to find sleep. The best I could get was remembering the beautiful dream that had just happened, over and over.

It's times like these especially that I wonder how some guys can see women as just sexual objects. Sure, I bet that's great and all, but why not find someone you really love and just enjoy their company? I get a high off of her voice, her face, her personality. I can't help but feel happy when I'm around her, no matter what's going on.

I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.