[Soup Sandwich]
So today I was cleaning out my room for the move next week, and I came across a stash of stuff that I'd thrown up in the back of my cabinet, where I couldn't reach or even see it before.
A bunch of stuff. The stuffed animal Karen gave me, the pictures of her and us that I had, letters from her, pretty much anything that I ever had that reminded me of her was all up there. I'd forgotten completely that I had any of it anymore.
Why did I? I guess at first I was too heartbroken to get rid of it. I was pretty pathetic back then, and I didn't have the heart to just throw away all that I had from her. The year or so that we were close was a very important time for me, and I wasn't ready to get rid of it at all.
After I'd realized that I didn't need any part of her in my life, I wanted to burn it all, so I didn't throw it away because I wanted to get rid of it in such a way that it would be purged from existence, and I could forget about it all completely.
Eventually, the thought faded, the memories became blurrier, and the entire thing was just a mark on the road that I've been following all these years. I hadn't forgotten about Karen, I hadn't forgotten what we had, and it was never less important to me, but as time went on, it was less and less of a thought that persisted in my mind. I'd felt like I'd moved on, and that stuff in my cabinet became nothing more than a fleeting memory altogether.
It all followed my mood concerning that girl. First, I was too afraid to move on from her, too afraid of the pain that losing her would make me feel.
After a while I accepted it, and I realized how much she really hurt me. I thought about how she'd lead me on all that time, for however long it was since she decided that she didn't love me anymore. I was so filled with anger and hatred that I wanted her out of my mind, my life, and I wanted anything that could possibly bring her back away from me altogether. There were only two things that I gave her which I expected in return: trust and love. I got neither.
Eventually, when I'd moved on and started forgetting things about us, I started forgetting about things like the pictures, the stuffed animal, everything.
Now there's nothing left at all. I can't even say that I don't like her.
I choose not to speak to her now not because I don't want her to get mad at me, or because it hurts too much. I choose not to speak to her because I don't want to. I have no reason to. We're not friends. Friends don't lie to each other, pretending that they love each other, leading each other on to the point where the lie is revealed and one breaks as a result.
I'm not really out to find a girlfriend anymore. I used to love the thought of being loved, loving someone too. Nowadays it's different. Sure, I like the idea that I can have feelings for someone and they can love me in return. But what I've figured out about life is that I have no time for that kind of stuff. Karen, Laura, all the girls before them, any that will come after...there's no possible way of them giving me back what I give them.
I know I sound melodramatic, but it's true. None of the girls I've ever had any feelings for at all, none of the girls that I've loved have ever truly loved me back. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have left me otherwise, but when one day they say they do, the next they don't...well, let's just say no one falls out of love, especially overnight.
It's strange how much I've changed in the last year and a half. I look back at myself and my life, what I used to be like and what I used to do. I thought I had everything all figured out, that I knew where my life was going and that I was in control of everything. The Navy did a royal job of fucking that up for me.