[False Hope]
It's been four months now. Four months and two weeks, I guess. I honestly thought that I'd moved on, forgotten how to feel the pain that I felt back then, after Karen dumped me, but here it is again, fresh and eating away at my heart.
Last night Jarrod asked me where my Vex kit was, I'd sent it to Karen over leave about a week before we broke up, I didn't have any idea that she wanted to dump me so I didn't think that it would be any problem for her to borrow it. A while after she dumped me, I'd asked for it back and she said she'd sent it out. She never did, but I didn't want to talk to her because of the hurt that it gave me and the fact that every time I talked to her I did nothing but piss her off.
So this afternoon I sent her an email asking if she could send the kit to Jarrod whenever she got a chance. I thought for a while before that it would be easy, that all I would need to do is type it up and send it off.
That's what it should have been. But, even as I was typing the letter, I couldn't put together two words without thinking about her, and that same empty cutting feeling filled my chest all over again.
I've never had any kind of injury, no hurt that managed to last this long. I've done so much to get rid of it...I started drinking more heavily, I try to pick up girls, I go out to bars and clubs. None of it seems to help at all, though. No matter what, that same pain came back and got to me again.
I thought that I had grown out of feeling this way, moved on from being in this kind of pain. I had hoped that I was stronger, smarter, better off. But I'm no better...no stronger or wiser. What I have been showing the world can't be me, it's merely a facade to hide the weak, pitiful creature inside.
I tried to convince myself that I didn't love her, that I was in love with the feeling of being loved and since she didn't really love me that it couldn't have been love to begin with. But why do I still feel like something important has been taken away from me, why does it hurt so much just to think about her?
No matter what I do, I will always have that weakness that is my heart. I don't know how to live after it has been broken, don't know how to make it heal, and I don't know how to move on.
I want to. I want to forget, to run away from the pain forever and leave Karen and everything behind. But something isn't letting me, and because of it I have this intense, incredible fear of getting close to anyone because I know that my heart will be broken again once I do, and I don't know if I can survive that.

I'm not really sure why I do it. I let myself get hurt, all the time. Physically and emotionally.
I let people use me, and I let them treat me like shit. After a while of it happening, I just kind of stopped resisting. I don't like it, or know why I do it either. I just do.
Maybe deep down my mind thinks that it's the only way I can get people to like me. I'm not very good at anything I try. As a matter of fact, I suck at just about everything. Most people have at least one strong point, but I really don't. I can't even say that I'm second best or third. Everyone always says that being the best at everything isn't important. But being last in everything sure doesn't help my ego much.

Lately I've been having even more trouble finding a reason to try around here. I really don't care about school anymore, and outside of school I'm pretty apathetic too. I do whatever it takes to get through the week and then Friday night when I go to sleep I don't wake up until at least 13 hours later.
I just don't see any point in doing anything else. And I hate that I can't find any reason to do anything, because I'm wasting so much time doing nothing.
I just want to be out of here. I want to be home, in my own bed, talking to my old friends. I want my life back.

[It's All Been Done]
I'm doing a lot better lately. I've had some trouble, but for the most part, since I stopped talking to Karen, I've had a significant increase in good mood time. Not like I could have got any worse.
For a while I tried consciously to be an asshole to everyone, because for 19 years, being nice to people hasn't ever got me what I wanted in life. I couldn't keep up the asshole thing, but not because I didn't want to . It wasn't helping me much, and I just didn't know how to do it.
I am scared though. Usually I'm not scared, and as such it takes a lot to rattle me. I'm not scared of anything happening directly to me, no physical pain or danger really fazes me. What I am scared of now is the same thing that I've always feared: loss, and the heartache that comes with it.
In the last few months, I've got to know a girl that for a long time I didn't really pay much attention to. Sure, you know where this is leading. I'd like to be cool--at least be responsible--and say that I haven't, but I started to wish she was more than just my friend. I don't want to let myself think that way though because of more than a few factors.
First off is distance. I don't want to put anyone through what Karen and I went through with being so far apart all the time. It was hell on me, and I'm sure it was worse for her. It's not fair for me to do that. Second is age. Laura is really cool, and very mature for her age. I didn't realize how old she was until she actually told me, and she's a good three plus years younger than I am. That's a huge gap at our age. Later on, it's not so much an issue...but right now that's too much.
It's breaking my heart to know that even if later on, we did end up together, I'd be leaving her almost alone for months at a time. Indeed, no matter who I was with, that's what would be happening. I'm really thinking that this whole Navy thing was the wrong choice. For me and for the ones that I love. It's been just over a year now since I joined, and coincidentally, this last year has probably been the worst year of my life.
I can deal with myself having a sub par experience in life, but if I'm going to be with someone and leave them for months at a time, it's going to kill me. More immediately, it's killing me that Laura and I are getting so close, because I really like her. I want her to keep being part of my life, but everyone that I love ends up leaving me, and losing Laura will hurt.
I think that God, if he really is out there, just doesn't like me much.