[False Hope]
It's been four months now. Four months and two weeks, I guess. I honestly thought that I'd moved on, forgotten how to feel the pain that I felt back then, after Karen dumped me, but here it is again, fresh and eating away at my heart.
Last night Jarrod asked me where my Vex kit was, I'd sent it to Karen over leave about a week before we broke up, I didn't have any idea that she wanted to dump me so I didn't think that it would be any problem for her to borrow it. A while after she dumped me, I'd asked for it back and she said she'd sent it out. She never did, but I didn't want to talk to her because of the hurt that it gave me and the fact that every time I talked to her I did nothing but piss her off.
So this afternoon I sent her an email asking if she could send the kit to Jarrod whenever she got a chance. I thought for a while before that it would be easy, that all I would need to do is type it up and send it off.
That's what it should have been. But, even as I was typing the letter, I couldn't put together two words without thinking about her, and that same empty cutting feeling filled my chest all over again.
I've never had any kind of injury, no hurt that managed to last this long. I've done so much to get rid of it...I started drinking more heavily, I try to pick up girls, I go out to bars and clubs. None of it seems to help at all, though. No matter what, that same pain came back and got to me again.
I thought that I had grown out of feeling this way, moved on from being in this kind of pain. I had hoped that I was stronger, smarter, better off. But I'm no better...no stronger or wiser. What I have been showing the world can't be me, it's merely a facade to hide the weak, pitiful creature inside.
I tried to convince myself that I didn't love her, that I was in love with the feeling of being loved and since she didn't really love me that it couldn't have been love to begin with. But why do I still feel like something important has been taken away from me, why does it hurt so much just to think about her?
No matter what I do, I will always have that weakness that is my heart. I don't know how to live after it has been broken, don't know how to make it heal, and I don't know how to move on.
I want to. I want to forget, to run away from the pain forever and leave Karen and everything behind. But something isn't letting me, and because of it I have this intense, incredible fear of getting close to anyone because I know that my heart will be broken again once I do, and I don't know if I can survive that.