[It's All Been Done]
I'm doing a lot better lately. I've had some trouble, but for the most part, since I stopped talking to Karen, I've had a significant increase in good mood time. Not like I could have got any worse.
For a while I tried consciously to be an asshole to everyone, because for 19 years, being nice to people hasn't ever got me what I wanted in life. I couldn't keep up the asshole thing, but not because I didn't want to . It wasn't helping me much, and I just didn't know how to do it.
I am scared though. Usually I'm not scared, and as such it takes a lot to rattle me. I'm not scared of anything happening directly to me, no physical pain or danger really fazes me. What I am scared of now is the same thing that I've always feared: loss, and the heartache that comes with it.
In the last few months, I've got to know a girl that for a long time I didn't really pay much attention to. Sure, you know where this is leading. I'd like to be cool--at least be responsible--and say that I haven't, but I started to wish she was more than just my friend. I don't want to let myself think that way though because of more than a few factors.
First off is distance. I don't want to put anyone through what Karen and I went through with being so far apart all the time. It was hell on me, and I'm sure it was worse for her. It's not fair for me to do that. Second is age. Laura is really cool, and very mature for her age. I didn't realize how old she was until she actually told me, and she's a good three plus years younger than I am. That's a huge gap at our age. Later on, it's not so much an issue...but right now that's too much.
It's breaking my heart to know that even if later on, we did end up together, I'd be leaving her almost alone for months at a time. Indeed, no matter who I was with, that's what would be happening. I'm really thinking that this whole Navy thing was the wrong choice. For me and for the ones that I love. It's been just over a year now since I joined, and coincidentally, this last year has probably been the worst year of my life.
I can deal with myself having a sub par experience in life, but if I'm going to be with someone and leave them for months at a time, it's going to kill me. More immediately, it's killing me that Laura and I are getting so close, because I really like her. I want her to keep being part of my life, but everyone that I love ends up leaving me, and losing Laura will hurt.
I think that God, if he really is out there, just doesn't like me much.