[So yeah...]
It's been a pretty strange fall for me. I finished up with Saratoga Springs, and moved out.
Just before that I intended to hang out with Lisa one last time but...well, let's just say things fell through and we had a fight. We didn't talk for a while after that.
Naghena, well, she went off to school, and even though she was adamant about not wanting a boyfriend basically all summer, hooked up with some dude in the first couple weeks she was out there. I think that she's one of those girls that really needs to be in a relationship to feel validated, but was trying to get out of that.
Alex... Alex and I had a great weekend when I went down to the City to visit her. We went all over Manhattan, ended up making out for a while, and for a while I really thought that I'd finally connected with a girl, I was comfortable with her and things were going pretty well. And then on Sunday, I went home. I hadn't heard from her, so Friday, I sent her an email asking what was going on, and she responded telling me that she's a really busy person and couldn't always put aside time just to keep me informed. She said I was impatient, indecisive, and didn't have any goals for myself. I apologized for being such an asshole and since then, she hasn't made any effort to talk to me so I've left her alone.
After leave, I went out to Portsmouth to report to the Memphis. Turns out that I was supposed to go to Groton instead, so I went down there, and was stuck there for a few weeks doing check-in stuff. I went up to the Memphis afterwards for about 6 working days, then Thanksgiving happened and after that I went out on the Augusta for a month. It's funny how different the crew's attitudes are toward new guys. On the Memphis, all the higher up guys hate me really because I'm new and not qualified. They don't even know me and they treat me like shit just because. On the Augusta, everyone was helpful and cooperative. Nobody belittled me for being new, they all tried to teach me things, even the guys that were newer there. On the Memphis, the E-Div chief acts like I'm the cause of all his problems, and the other guys barely tolerate me.
Yesterday, they compared new guys to puppies. They said that some, you treat them like shit and they get mean, eventually they'll bite you back. Others, you treat them like shit and they'll just huddle in a corner and not do anything about it. They said that I'm more like the latter. Which I guess is true. For two years, I've been lead to believe that I have no valid opinion, and that anything I think is worthless. So, I've got into the habit of keeping everything I think in and not telling anyone.
I was kind of like that before, which is why I started this blog in the first place, to get my thoughts out, but the military has kind of accentuated that. From the outside, I imagine that I look pretty much emotionless. But I feel like I have to be.
Which leads me to my next note. I started talking to my friend Emily over leave. We'd talked before and were pretty good friends, but we made a real connection lately because both of us kind of feel left behind lately. All of our friends went off to college, but we haven't...it doesn't sound like much, but that makes us part of kind of an exclusive club that not many other people are in. We talk a lot, and as par with me, any cute girl that pays a lot of attention to me I fall for. So for a couple months, we've been flirting, just because that's how I talk to girls that I like, and whether they like me or not, they tend to flirt back. I don't mind the attention, and I don't think that they do either.
So yesterday, we started talking about more interesting things than usual--sex, crushes, stuff like that. We talked about sex in general, and she told me how she liked it, that she'd faked a couple orgasms before, and all of this without me really asking at all.
I was in Boston with Duncan, and so Emily and I were texting back and forth about whatever, generally sex-related, or innuendo-based stuff. It was nice, because I had thought for a long time that she was a good girl that wasn't interested/experienced in that kind of stuff.
Last night, I was on my way back from Boston, and I let it slip that, at one point of time or another, I tend to have a crush on most girls that I'm friends with. "So who's your crush right now?" I didn't tell her that I've got a pretty heavy thing for her.
Not because of the high school "I don't want her to know I like her because it's a secret" thing, but because of a few deeper issues I have. First off, the reason that she and I both haven't been to college isn't the same. For me, it's because I'm in the Navy and didn't get a chance. For her, it's because she's still in high school. Just the age difference alone makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for liking her so much. Don't get me wrong, she's more mature than most girls that are my age. But still, four years is a big difference. Another problem I have is that she's my friend's ex. So that makes this the third time since junior year that I've crushed on my friend's ex. The distance thing plays in too, she lives in New Jersey, so even when I move down to Groton, it'll be a considerable drive to get to see her.
I know she likes older guys, and she's flirting pretty heavily with me, so I'm pretty sure that she likes me, and I'm sure that she knows how I feel about her since I can't make it very inconspicuous...but with all my self-doubts and insecurities, I just don't know if it's safe for me to let it happen. I'm the kind of guy that will be unhappy on a relationship level to keep from losing a girl that I really like.
Sigh. I'm such an idiot.

[691] 14SEP07FRI

Things are going pretty well for me these days. I qualified the other day, so I'm done with training for now. I got my orders to my new ship, the USS Memphis. Its homeport is Groton, Connecticut, but for now it's in Portsmouth, New Hampshire doing who knows what.
For the first time I've got girls actually lined up, as funny as that sounds to me. Alex, the girl I've been crushing on for years; Lisa, a girl that I met through work; Naghena, the girl that I hooked up with earlier in the summer. Strange, I go from not getting noticed by anyone to being told by all these girls that I'm what they want.
I don't know what to do about the other two, but this weekend I'm spending with Alex in New York City. It should be a good time, she's a really fun girl. I guess we will see where this goes, won't we?
I'm writing this entry from a chair in the Saratoga Springs Amtrak station. It's pretty nice here, much nicer than most of the train stations I've been to. I really like taking the train to places. It's calming, even if it takes longer than driving most of the time.

For a long time, I've thought that I was alone in one aspect that I like about myself. For a few years, my closest friends have been girls. This isn't because I don't enjoy hanging out with guys, it's just because for the most part I don't have much in common with other guys. I don't watch sports, I don't talk about sports, and really, that's all there is to talk about with other guys I know. Either that or really nerdy video games. I may be a nerd, but I still can't do Everquest or Dungeons and Dragons.
Today I was sitting up in the Electrician shop at work, and one of the staff instructors came in, one that I respect a lot. He's a good instructor, and all around a good guy. A little bit about Kaur: he's about six and a half feet tall, very skinny, and eats constantly. I don't think there has been a day that I've not known him to eat less than 4 pounds of food. He has a reputation at work for being a pimp, or having a harem, something like that.
Anyway, we were talking about just whatever came up, the qualified students that were in there, and eventually someone asked Kaur about his reputation, where it came from. Turns out that he's a lot like me, most of his friends are girls because he just likes being with them more. When he was stationed in Hawaii, he hung out with a pack of traveling nurses, about thirty of them. Easy to see where he gets his reputation now.
When he told us this, he explained some things about women that I had known for ages, apparently the others didn't. For example, women (people in general) are intrigued by passion for things. Collections, movies, biking, hiking. As long as it's not an obsession, they wonder why you're so interested, and then want to know more, maybe get into the activity themselves.
Girls (I use that term because it sounds more fitting for the age bracket that I'm interested in than “women”), want to be listened to, but treated as equals. Obvious, right? Girls are just like guys, they have insecurities, problems, and everything else that we go through. The important thing to remember is simply that. Too many guys don't realize that, they consider girls to be “under” them in some way, or put them on some kind of pedestal. Either way isn't fair to the girl. Treating them without respect isn't good at all, and building them up puts pressure on them to be something they aren't.
I won't lie, I'm guilty of the latter. With Karen I got so caught up in trying to make sure that she didn't feel inadequate that I ended up getting to a point where she felt like she couldn't be herself around be, that she had to be someone “better” than her. When I first realized this, nearly a year ago, I couldn't forgive myself. I can't say it won't happen again, because it's just in my nature to try to make people feel better, no matter who they are. But I hope it's not something that will recur.

I don't know how I get myself into these stupid situations. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I do something that I really, truely do regret. Most of the time it just screws me. But this time it's big, and it's going to hurt someone no matter what I do about it.

A couple years ago I was pretty good friends with a girl. We dated, then she dumped me about three days later. Last fall we reconnected, we've been pretty good friends since. She lives around Pembroke, so when I come home from New York for the weekends, we hang out.

The spring of my junior year, I met another girl. We talk about everything, pretty much all the time. I really like her a lot. When I started dating Karen, she and I didn't talk too much, but I just figured it was because she was busy or whatever. Lately, I found out that this girl liked me, which was crazy, considering that I really liked her (sounds a bit like high school, doesn't it?). We aren't dating (we haven't even seen each other in years), but in the next week she will be going to school in NYC, so I'm going to visit her, already made plans for it.

This weekend was my four day weekend. I came home from Saratoga so that I could spend some time with my brother and hang out with the first girl. Thursday night I went out to eat with her and then we went to the beach. One thing lead to another and we had sex.

What's really bad about that is that I wasn't even thinking about it, I never intended to have sex with her, it just happened. Then last night we hung out again, I figured it would be nice just because she's leaving for her school today. We went to the beach then to the school I used to go to and sat in the field to watch the stars. Eventually she was moving on me, and I wasn't doing anything to resist, so we had sex again...

Afterwards she wanted to talk, just like every time a girl has sex. She started talking about different things, one of which was that she was a virgin before me, and she seemed really clingy. Don't get me wrong, I like this girl as a friend, but the way she was talking seemed really...I don't know. She was talking about how she told her friends about me, and how none of them thought that we could work out. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't want a relationship from her right then, even though I should have. I'd already made enough mistakes this weekend, I was too ashamed to admit to another.

I just don't know what I need to do. On the one hand, I like Alex, a lot. On the other, Laura is a really nice girl, and I don't want to hurt her. I think the best path to take is to just tell them both that I'm an idiot and that I can't be with either. It will hurt three people at once, but at least I won't be happy. And at this point, I really don't deserve to be.

Chalk another success up to the Jakester.
I've really got to stop letting myself crush on girls so easy, damn.

[Afraid This Time]
I'm confused. Not really sure what about, I just have a feeling that I don't get the whole picture of what's going on right now.

[Collie]
I don't like this feeling. One I get sometimes, where I feel like I'm alone. Sure, I've got friends, I guess. People I can talk and relate to. People that I like to spend time with. But I can't feel like I belong anywhere. I've always got this feeling of being out of place, like something is fractured in my life.
I really do feel alone though. Like I can't reach out and touch anyone, anything. I feel like I'm in my own place, away from the real world. Sometimes it's where I need to be, but sometimes I just feel like I can't take it, the isolation.
I can't tell myself the truth. I keep trying to convince myself that I am best off alone, with no strings holding me back and no one to let down. But it hurts that I can't talk to anyone. I'm writing on a computer on a website where I'm faceless and anonymous just like anyone else. Chances are that no one will even ever read this.
Just like the rest of my life, this journal is merely an isolated event, cut off and ignored by pretty much everyone.

[Soup Sandwich]
So today I was cleaning out my room for the move next week, and I came across a stash of stuff that I'd thrown up in the back of my cabinet, where I couldn't reach or even see it before.
A bunch of stuff. The stuffed animal Karen gave me, the pictures of her and us that I had, letters from her, pretty much anything that I ever had that reminded me of her was all up there. I'd forgotten completely that I had any of it anymore.
Why did I? I guess at first I was too heartbroken to get rid of it. I was pretty pathetic back then, and I didn't have the heart to just throw away all that I had from her. The year or so that we were close was a very important time for me, and I wasn't ready to get rid of it at all.
After I'd realized that I didn't need any part of her in my life, I wanted to burn it all, so I didn't throw it away because I wanted to get rid of it in such a way that it would be purged from existence, and I could forget about it all completely.
Eventually, the thought faded, the memories became blurrier, and the entire thing was just a mark on the road that I've been following all these years. I hadn't forgotten about Karen, I hadn't forgotten what we had, and it was never less important to me, but as time went on, it was less and less of a thought that persisted in my mind. I'd felt like I'd moved on, and that stuff in my cabinet became nothing more than a fleeting memory altogether.
It all followed my mood concerning that girl. First, I was too afraid to move on from her, too afraid of the pain that losing her would make me feel.
After a while I accepted it, and I realized how much she really hurt me. I thought about how she'd lead me on all that time, for however long it was since she decided that she didn't love me anymore. I was so filled with anger and hatred that I wanted her out of my mind, my life, and I wanted anything that could possibly bring her back away from me altogether. There were only two things that I gave her which I expected in return: trust and love. I got neither.
Eventually, when I'd moved on and started forgetting things about us, I started forgetting about things like the pictures, the stuffed animal, everything.
Now there's nothing left at all. I can't even say that I don't like her.
I choose not to speak to her now not because I don't want her to get mad at me, or because it hurts too much. I choose not to speak to her because I don't want to. I have no reason to. We're not friends. Friends don't lie to each other, pretending that they love each other, leading each other on to the point where the lie is revealed and one breaks as a result.
I'm not really out to find a girlfriend anymore. I used to love the thought of being loved, loving someone too. Nowadays it's different. Sure, I like the idea that I can have feelings for someone and they can love me in return. But what I've figured out about life is that I have no time for that kind of stuff. Karen, Laura, all the girls before them, any that will come after...there's no possible way of them giving me back what I give them.
I know I sound melodramatic, but it's true. None of the girls I've ever had any feelings for at all, none of the girls that I've loved have ever truly loved me back. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have left me otherwise, but when one day they say they do, the next they don't...well, let's just say no one falls out of love, especially overnight.
It's strange how much I've changed in the last year and a half. I look back at myself and my life, what I used to be like and what I used to do. I thought I had everything all figured out, that I knew where my life was going and that I was in control of everything. The Navy did a royal job of fucking that up for me.

Well I wanted the truth, and I got it. What I figured was happening, did. For whatever reason, probably that she got bored with me...that's what always happens...Laura doesn't like me anymore. Don't know how I feel about it, really. I know that nothing could come from it right now, but I really did like that I could have feelings for someone and them return.
I guess I always fall for the ones that are bound to leave me.

This is ridiculous. They say insanity is trying the same thing over and over, expecting different results every time. I guess I'm crazy. I try to always be nice to people, at least civil, yet they still treat me like shit.
Every time I say that I've had enough, but I still go back for more. I'm sick of this.

This is really beginning to piss me off. I can't seem to make things stay consistent lately.
The other night I thought that I still had feelings for Karen, but for the past couple days I'd been thinking about why I did, and I couldn't find any reason. It brought me to thinking about whether I really still did like her, and I realized that she's treated me like I didn't deserve her trust, like I was some sort of creature that was just there without any kind of mind of his own, like I couldn't think for myself and needed to be protected from the truth.
Why should I like her at all? There were two important things that I gave her that I expected back, trust and love. She never returned on either of those, and I came to that realization a while back, but it never struck me as hard as just now.
I don't like her anymore, I don't even think we should have been friends to begin with. She was way too immature for me to consider her someone that I would have liked to be friends with lately, so what part of me should have wanted her before?
That pain in my heart, I realized, was the pain of regret. I really do feel bad that I "held her back" or "trapped her" as she said, but I'm more pissed off that she didn't treat me like an equal, that she lied to me and told me that she loved me, and all that time she never did.

[False Hope]
It's been four months now. Four months and two weeks, I guess. I honestly thought that I'd moved on, forgotten how to feel the pain that I felt back then, after Karen dumped me, but here it is again, fresh and eating away at my heart.
Last night Jarrod asked me where my Vex kit was, I'd sent it to Karen over leave about a week before we broke up, I didn't have any idea that she wanted to dump me so I didn't think that it would be any problem for her to borrow it. A while after she dumped me, I'd asked for it back and she said she'd sent it out. She never did, but I didn't want to talk to her because of the hurt that it gave me and the fact that every time I talked to her I did nothing but piss her off.
So this afternoon I sent her an email asking if she could send the kit to Jarrod whenever she got a chance. I thought for a while before that it would be easy, that all I would need to do is type it up and send it off.
That's what it should have been. But, even as I was typing the letter, I couldn't put together two words without thinking about her, and that same empty cutting feeling filled my chest all over again.
I've never had any kind of injury, no hurt that managed to last this long. I've done so much to get rid of it...I started drinking more heavily, I try to pick up girls, I go out to bars and clubs. None of it seems to help at all, though. No matter what, that same pain came back and got to me again.
I thought that I had grown out of feeling this way, moved on from being in this kind of pain. I had hoped that I was stronger, smarter, better off. But I'm no better...no stronger or wiser. What I have been showing the world can't be me, it's merely a facade to hide the weak, pitiful creature inside.
I tried to convince myself that I didn't love her, that I was in love with the feeling of being loved and since she didn't really love me that it couldn't have been love to begin with. But why do I still feel like something important has been taken away from me, why does it hurt so much just to think about her?
No matter what I do, I will always have that weakness that is my heart. I don't know how to live after it has been broken, don't know how to make it heal, and I don't know how to move on.
I want to. I want to forget, to run away from the pain forever and leave Karen and everything behind. But something isn't letting me, and because of it I have this intense, incredible fear of getting close to anyone because I know that my heart will be broken again once I do, and I don't know if I can survive that.

I'm not really sure why I do it. I let myself get hurt, all the time. Physically and emotionally.
I let people use me, and I let them treat me like shit. After a while of it happening, I just kind of stopped resisting. I don't like it, or know why I do it either. I just do.
Maybe deep down my mind thinks that it's the only way I can get people to like me. I'm not very good at anything I try. As a matter of fact, I suck at just about everything. Most people have at least one strong point, but I really don't. I can't even say that I'm second best or third. Everyone always says that being the best at everything isn't important. But being last in everything sure doesn't help my ego much.

Lately I've been having even more trouble finding a reason to try around here. I really don't care about school anymore, and outside of school I'm pretty apathetic too. I do whatever it takes to get through the week and then Friday night when I go to sleep I don't wake up until at least 13 hours later.
I just don't see any point in doing anything else. And I hate that I can't find any reason to do anything, because I'm wasting so much time doing nothing.
I just want to be out of here. I want to be home, in my own bed, talking to my old friends. I want my life back.

[It's All Been Done]
I'm doing a lot better lately. I've had some trouble, but for the most part, since I stopped talking to Karen, I've had a significant increase in good mood time. Not like I could have got any worse.
For a while I tried consciously to be an asshole to everyone, because for 19 years, being nice to people hasn't ever got me what I wanted in life. I couldn't keep up the asshole thing, but not because I didn't want to . It wasn't helping me much, and I just didn't know how to do it.
I am scared though. Usually I'm not scared, and as such it takes a lot to rattle me. I'm not scared of anything happening directly to me, no physical pain or danger really fazes me. What I am scared of now is the same thing that I've always feared: loss, and the heartache that comes with it.
In the last few months, I've got to know a girl that for a long time I didn't really pay much attention to. Sure, you know where this is leading. I'd like to be cool--at least be responsible--and say that I haven't, but I started to wish she was more than just my friend. I don't want to let myself think that way though because of more than a few factors.
First off is distance. I don't want to put anyone through what Karen and I went through with being so far apart all the time. It was hell on me, and I'm sure it was worse for her. It's not fair for me to do that. Second is age. Laura is really cool, and very mature for her age. I didn't realize how old she was until she actually told me, and she's a good three plus years younger than I am. That's a huge gap at our age. Later on, it's not so much an issue...but right now that's too much.
It's breaking my heart to know that even if later on, we did end up together, I'd be leaving her almost alone for months at a time. Indeed, no matter who I was with, that's what would be happening. I'm really thinking that this whole Navy thing was the wrong choice. For me and for the ones that I love. It's been just over a year now since I joined, and coincidentally, this last year has probably been the worst year of my life.
I can deal with myself having a sub par experience in life, but if I'm going to be with someone and leave them for months at a time, it's going to kill me. More immediately, it's killing me that Laura and I are getting so close, because I really like her. I want her to keep being part of my life, but everyone that I love ends up leaving me, and losing Laura will hurt.
I think that God, if he really is out there, just doesn't like me much.